...or maybe I am so consumed by surviving and living each day to the next and somehow keep my children alive and happy that the last thing I have on my mind is "I would like to documentate this!".
I've missed blogging. There's something about sitting down in a quiet room and just unleashing whatever thoughts have been racing around in my mind all day. I suppose it is a little like an online diary. Though I make a point not to post anything I wouldn't feel comfortable anyone knowing. It is still providing a window into my family's life. And since making this blog somewhat public again (It still has restrictions) It is my desire to share my story. I don't know, leave my mark I suppose.
I have been back and forth deciding whether or not to write this book about Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It was designed in my mind to be a write-up of all my pregnancies, my research and understanding of the dreadful illness and non-medical advice on survival and how friends and family could be more supportive.
The real driving force of the book was the idea that it would RAISE AWARENESS. Then I had a long think about it. I'm several chapters into the book before I realised something.
Writing a book about Hyperemesis Gravidarum is NOT going to raise awareness. Who would buy it? Who would actually take the time to read it? If you have not had any history of the condition and it doesn't run in your family...then the odds are: You're not going to go and google "Hyperemesis Gravidarum".
Don't get me wrong. I want to help raise funds for the Hyperemesis Research and Education organisation.I desperately want them to find a cause and a cure for this debilitating and sometimes life-threatening condition. I do not want my grand daughters having to suffer it. I don't want my worst enemy to experience it. I just don't think writing a book is the way forward.
So how do you raise awareness? You SHOUT. You SCREAM. Repetition Repetition Repetition. I don't care if the world becomes sick to death with my spouting out the words HYPEREMESIS GRAVIDARUM. I'll say them over and over and over until my voice is heard in the deepest darkest crevices of the Earth.
BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW. BECAUSE THE MORE PEOPLE WHO KNOW, THE MORE RESEARCH WILL BE DONE. THE MORE MONEY WILL BE RAISED. THE MORE HOPE THERE IS OF A CURE.
Anyway, enough of that for now.
31 Weeks pregnant today. 9 Weeks to go. We are finally in single figures! And oh, it feels So good to be saying that.
This pregnancy has dragged. And dragged. And dragggggggged.
I feel like I've been pregnant for years!
Oh that's right - sorry - I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding for most of the last 4 years!
So Ross and I have been married for 4 years and 4 months. Of which I was pregnant for 41.3 weeks, then I was breastfeeding for 32 weeks, then I was pregnant again for 38.4 weeks and breastfed for 36 weeks, and now I have been pregnant for another 31 weeks.
52 weeks in a year x 4 years + 18 weeks = 226 weeks of marriage
41.3 + 32 + 38.4+ 36+ 31 = 178.7 weeks of pregnancy and breastfeeding
SO 226 - 178.7 = 47.3 weeks of not being a baby making/feeding machine.
Okay so really, I HAVE been pregnant for years. It is no wonder that my body feels weak. I feel aged and slow. Everything aches. Everything hurts. Everything takes so much more time to do!
I miss being able to pick things up the floor without losing my vision! I miss being able to snuggle Alex on my lap without the protests of a kicking baby in between us. I miss feeling like normal Laura! I miss feeling healthy! I miss running up the stairs! I miss doing my Jillian Michaels' Workouts...I miss rollercoasters! I miss my old pre-pregnancy shape. I miss the days where I knew exactly what I wanted and knew how to get it! I miss the feeling of control!
You see, when you become a parent. You live. Breathe. Walk. For your children. They are the source of constant worry and heartache. Yet at the sametime, they provide the deepest feelings of joy and satisfaction. It is glorious to be a mother. I LOVE my family, more than life itself.
I can feel my baby rolling around in my bump as I type. I admit, this stirs feelings of love, awe and contentment. No kicks these days, he's too big. The movements are tired, relaxed and lazy rolls. A arm sweeping across my tummy, a foot slowly emerging out as he has a little stretch. Quick rythmic beats from hiccoughs. There is a deep bond between a pregnant mother and her unborn child. Spiritually bound. Knowing the emotions of the other. Accepting each other completely yet also fighting for the same space.
That bond - an unexplained miracle - between a mother and her child, does not break. Never. I still feel it with Ryan and Alex. I still experience it with my own mother. No one can take away the fact that for a time, we shared everything. Body, spirit, Life. Nothing can take that away.
I often think about that, and wonder about mothers who have experienced stillbirth. I can only think, that amongst all the sadness and feelings of detachment....the miracle of that mother and child bond still stands. Perhaps even moreso, when the child is in spirit.
Knowing this and knowing the deep and eternal responsibility that comes with having a child. I feel overwhelmed emotionally, with humilty, gratitude and awe that Heavenly Father has trusted me with three sons to raise in these Latter-Days.
So whilst I may moan and cry and tear my hair out with frustration at my woes and ailments....deep down, I recognise and appreciate the massive blessings in my life.
When the days get hard, and the nights get even harder, I hold onto the Song "Count Your Blessings".
"When apon life's billows you are tempest tost, When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings name them one by one and it will suprise you what the Lord has done."
Never truer words spoken. (Sung or Read....just had to add that.)
Well that's a strange blog entry! Can you tell my mind is just all over the place today?!
Guess my roundup points are:
- Hyperemesis Gravidarum sucks and everyone needs to know about it.
- Being pregnant for over 70% of your marriage sucks
- Despite all that, I have never felt more blessed in my life
- When it all feels too much - count your blessings. I did, and it really HAS surprised me what the Lord has done for me and my family.