Thursday, 14 June 2012
Trying not to Despair!
After my previous blog post all about how I want to be able to measure up and do the best I can to make the ones I love proud of me...I feel like I really REALLY failed to measure up today.
You see, today was an unusual day to start with - and it started early! After a not-so-wonderful night sleep and still feeling the drowsy/semi-comotosed effects from the Avomine I took last night, Alex and Ryan woke up at 6:30am, completely awake and ready for the day! This is a massive shock to the system when you are used to getting up with them for 8am!
I fell asleep for a while on the spare bed in the playroom as the children (miraculously) played nicely with their toys.
When I woke up, the drug from the night before had worn off enough for me to feel more alert and less foggy. However, when the fogginess dissappears, a headache rises to the surface. I was still sore all over from walking yesterday and my little 31 week old baby was unusually active.
So today I learnt all about the wonders of "Round Ligament Pain" and how it gets more intense with each pregnancy. (Third baby = Round Ligament AGONY) Coupled with punches and kicks (not just from the baby either! Alex and Ryan have got a few shots in) I felt incredibly self-pitiful.
Oh woe is me! I am tired! I am in pain! I can't bend over to change nappies! These boys are now acting tired and it's only 8am! The house is a mess! So much to do! I've barely seen Ross! I feel so alone! Wah Wah Wah!
You know how it goes.
Well, it was dreadful. The kids and I lived off snacks, because I felt too poorly to get up and make anything - (until dinnertime, when I made TWO meals, both of which the boys refused to eat!) Cue: Look up at the picture of this blog entry.
I tried to crack on with the housework - I had let it slide the last couple of days, and I planned on a visit or two tomorrow and over the weekend. So I put all the rubbish away, gathered nappies, dirty clothes, scattered toys, books, magazines, nappies and all the junk that had been thrown around (as your toddler does when he is bored and tired) and I carried the hoover upstairs (THE PAIN) and hoovered the middle floor, the stairs and all the floors downstairs. I blitzed the kitchen and tidied the Dining Room, I put a load of laundry on, I cleaned one of the bathrooms and washed the paintwork (Skirting and doorway)....This was all while Alex was napping and Ryan was watching Disney Channel.
The house was looking (and feeling) so much better and as I was preparing the TWO meals I aforementioned, Ryan was (unbeknown to me) breaking into the baby box in the playroom and emptying an entire bag full of cotton wool balls and spread them all around the rooms. Cotton ball fluff sticks to the carpet like glue. All of my hard work was completely wasted.
Have another glance at that photo - it really is how my day was feeling.
Ryan started to act wild and uncontrollable with tiredness. He pushed Alex, rolled around, threw pens and pencils, emptied toy box after toy box, and smothered Alex with a large sofa cushion. I raised my voice on more than one ocassion and sent Ryan to the naughty step a fair few times. It was a wonder I didn't scream or completely lose my sanity.
Even during scripture stories, Ryan and Alex were running around, not paying any attention. As we said family prayer, Ryan started to beat Alex with a toy! (And he was the one saying the prayer!) We went downstairs for hot milk and Ryan just crumpled on the floor and gave up. Oh come on, please not now! I couldn't budge him for anything. So I CARRIED him up the 23 flights of stairs (and this was after I already went up carrying Alex!) he wailed. He sobbed. He screamed. He was totally passed it. But the poor, stubborn kid wouldn't nap in the day!! I got him into bed, got Alex down, blew them kisses and closed the door.
Then I felt my knees collapse and my eyes well up at the overwhelming feeling of - I can't do this.
Which is a silly thing to think - of course I can, I just did! I might have not done the best job at entertaining, teaching and nurturing the children today - but I kept them alive, I kept me alive. I did the bare minimum.
But I don't want to do the bare minimum. I want to look back on these days and think how much fun we had and how wonderful they were - I don't want to look back and think "Meh, we survived".
I raised my voice, the boys didn't eat good wholesome meals, they spent 60-70% watching TV/Movies.....we had a short craft session (which has left a massive mess in the dining room which I had previously cleaned and tidied)
I know everyone has those survival days. But I'm already in so much debt - in terms of how many survival days I've taken - I just feel pretty pathetic.
And back in the early days, I used to cry to Ross when he came home from work and tell him all about how hard my day was and how hard things were for me. But now I see him, pale and exhausted from being up in the night with Alex, and still going out to travel the 2 hour commutte to his work - the place where he is currently covering two senior positions (holiday cover) and his own project work, training, attending intense meetings and constantly fighting fires (as he calls it) only to travel back 2 hours later than usual, get called out to work some more and log into work when he gets home til he goes to bed. (and the cycle starts again the next day) He's not got anything left. So, during this time when he should be home, but is actually still at work, or finally on the train....I let myself have a cry about how crazy hard my life is (in my eyes, perspective is a funny thing) then I shower it all off, and prepare myself for a tired, stressed-out husband to come in through the door and support him and listen to all his woes about the day.
This time really does bring me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I feel like I'm clinging on for dear life. Each day is harder than the last and I honestly do not know how I will cope....
...but I will. Because I've been through all this before. I just thought I would cope better this time!