The boys share a bedroom - did I mention that? The idea was that they would be better behaved in the morning and keep themselves entertained for a while so I could get a lie in.
Unfortunately, nothing much has changed. They wake up, they cry. Well, Ryan will come into my bedroom leaving Alex crying in his cot and the first thing I hear each morning is: "Wake up mummy, it's morning, open your eyes!"
I guess it sounds rather cute, but when you've had barely any sleep due to self-pitiful tears in the night, aches and pains of third trimesterness and a teething toddler to deal with...well it doesn't sound so cute! What I'd love to hear is, "Keep sleeping mummy, I'll look after Alex for a while". Of course, I'm not going to get that from my 3 year old. :)
And bedtime. What do I write about bedtime?
I'll use tonight as an example;
Scripture Stories, Prayers, hugs and kisses and Alex went to bed at 7:15pm. Ryan came downstairs to drink his *CUP* of hot milk (No more bot bots for the 3 year old! Finally!!) Then it's the long slog up the 23 steps, finding blankets (Ryan has a white one, a blue one and his lightening McQueen duvet which he loves to take off his bed and take with him around the house) Dummy and saying good night to all the toys in the house. (I mean ALL).
Finally, after a 100 unnecessary questions ("Where did dinosaur go? WHy not mummy? Why? Why? But why? Where is snail? Where is worm? Where is water?) and crawling up those stairs like they were the last meters of Mt Everest...we made it to Ryan and Alex's bedroom.
"Now quiet Ryan, Alex is trying to sleep" I warn as we tiptoe across the landing and Ryan opens the door to his room.....There's Alex in his cot, his legs through the bars swinging away, and all his teddies and blankets on the floor outside the cot. Obviously they were thrown strategically so that I had to stoop down and pick them all up - a task that takes much longer than it once did without said bump. By which time, Ryan is running around the bedroom screaming like a banchee and Alex is squealing with laughter and clapping at his newfound entertainment. This is why he fought sleep. Somehow, the warm milk settling in his tummy failed to settle him down into a peaceful slumber...he had other things in mind. Ryan. Because Ryan is funny. I can hear him now - acting out various scenes from Cars or Bugs Life. Alex roaring with laughter and beating his fists against the bars.
Then there's the ocassional scream of protest as Ryan grabs a toy and hovers out of Alex's reach to tease him..."no Alex, bedtime, no car tonight".
So I hear laughter, then fighting, then more laughter, lots of banging and a host of other noises until finally one of them settles down to sleep. Usually this is Ryan. Alex then gets bored of being left alone in the dark and the lullaby had long finished its playlist, so he finally allows himself to enter the land of nod.
And it's usually not long before I end up going to bed too.
So anyway, now I go into the office (Alex's old bedroom) and log onto Blogger and type out a ridiculously random entry to pass the time - and stay in close proximity to the kids who require my intervention from time to time until they sleep.
Anyway, what happened today that is worth any note? Well, we enjoyed some beautiful sunshine, which motivated me to go out for a nice walk to Ryan's school and drop off his Nursery forms. He loved watching the children playing outside and kept shouting "Hello friends! They're my friends mummy! This is my school!" It was a tad embaressing but cute all the same. I said a prayer in my heart, thanking Heavenly Father for the blessing of getting a last minute place in the Nursery down my road. It was hell on Earth having to explain to Ryan that this school - which I had been telling him was his for the last year, was not actually where he would be attending Nursery.
I thought, the most awful form of punishment and feeling was the disappointment of your father. If I did something bad, like tell a lie or make a wrong decision - I would get these big sad brown eyes on a tired looking face peering sadly at me as my dad would say, "Laura, I'm so very disappointed."
I thought this was the worst feeling in the world! Until today.
You see, on the way back from the school I thought it was such a marvellous day that we should go on the bus to the shops and look at toys - one of Ryan's favourite things to do outside. (I know, the spoilt monkey)
- (Note: Just had to make another intervention as I heard the noise get too much and the laughter turn to tears....once in the bedroom Ryan had run back into bed and said "I hurt Alex - and he hurt me!" What a monkey...) -
Anyway, we were on our way to the bus stop and I somehow pulled a muscle - or maybe it was sciatica kicking in...I know that's common at this stage of pregnancy but I'm not sure what it feels like exactly. Basically, I had to start limping and was in excruciating pain. I limped the rest of the way and we went at a much slower pace as a result.
Well. As painful as it is for me to relive this tale and record it...I have to admit that as we rounded the corner to the bus stop, the bus was trundling along the road and passed us. Ryan saw the bus and said "Oh no! We missed it! We missed the bus!" and then he threw his hands to his face and bowed his head in shame.
He thought it was his fault. He felt ashamed and guilty. He even looked up at me with these teary blue eyes and said "I'm sorry mummy, I missed it".
Just recalling it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. The next bus was 20 minutes away, so we walked home.
I thought Ryan would soon forget about it after eating some lunch - his favourie, leftover Chicken Korma and Rice - Alex was sat happily munching his food, but Ryan; sweet, sensitive Ryan, bowed his head in his arms on the table and gave a sad whine. "what is it?" I asked. Ryan looked up, his little pale face, so disappointed. "Ryan sad. Ryan missed the bus."
Okay. That is the worst feeling in the world. To see the genuine disappointment in my 3 year old's face.
I think it's because, even though Ryan can be a little scamp, he is too young to be accountable for his sins. He really is so new from heaven and so pure. I'm his mother and I promised him we would make the bus and I failed. I just didn't measure up.
It made me think about the day when I am reunited with my Creator, and my Saviour. The day when I will face all of the things I have done in my life that were bad decisions and examples where I didn't measure up. To see disappointment in the eyes of my Saviour would be the single worst experience of my existance.
So today, I committ myself to dedicating my entire energy and life in doing the very best I can, Service, Charity, Hard-Work, Love, Sacrifice, Obedience - no matter how painful my life is and will be, I will hold onto the memory of little Ryan's disappointed face and imagine how much it means to me to make him proud of his mummy. How much it means to make the people I love, proud and happy to be related to me. How much it means to me to have my Saviour, Jesus Christ, know that I was worth saving. If I get to the end of my days and didn't try very hard, or lived my whole life in selfishness, greed and pride...I wasn't worth all that pain and anguish. The fact is, the Atonement is set in place. The debt has been paid and the blood has been shed.
I just need to make sure it was all worth it, and return with my Father in Heaven.
.......and somehow teach my children to get there too.