No Words

No words can describe fully the complex mixture of thoughts and emotions within me right now. Complete and utter joy and excitement at Carla and Gabor moving to Swindon in the New Year....absolute heartache to find out that April and Greg are moving back to America in January.

One best friend leaves, another arrives.

I can't stop crying. :(

THEY ARE GANGING UP ON ME!!!!

Screaming baby and wailing toddler at the same time - who do you go to first? Latch baby on quick, settle toddler with dum dum and blankie, put down for nap...

burp baby, put down in bouncy chair to sleep.

Silence.

2 minutes later...toddler banging on cot bars and going "eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee!" baby jumps, stirs, scrunches up face....mother holds breath.....baby falls back asleep.

Breathe.

More "eeee eee eeee"-ing coming from toddler, now it turns into "waaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaa aaaa" baby wriggles, sniffles, starts to pant with stuffy nose....

and they're both screaming again.

Run upstairs, get dum dum from beneathe cot, stuff in toddler's mouth, put him down on his back again, ignore frustrated cries of "No! No! NO!" walk outside to hear toddler moaning and wailing again. Baby crying downstairs.

Run downstairs, rock bouncer a few times whilst biting lip so hard it bleeds.

Yawn - still exhausted from having little to no sleep last night (and the night before and the night before that...)

Baby falls back asleep but toddler is now throwing a tantrum in cot.

Something starts brewing inside, a tense, dark feeling of "I'm going to explode". Tears brimming eyes and lump forms in throat.

How do women cope? HOW CAN I COPE? Mother wonders desperately.

Silence.

Is he asleep? Are they both asleep? Can I now sleep??

Tip toe to bed....

lay down....

close eyes....

breathe....

"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee !!!!" (Toddler)

*sigh*

"uh uh uh, waaaaaa" (Baby)

Heavenly Father give me strength...

It's so true - there's no rest for the wicked.

Would also like to add....

I'm now in my pre-pregnancy jeans!!! HORRAY!!

There are so many benefits to NOT going overdue!

That said, it does show how chubby I was before I fell pregnant with Alex! :/

Still got a stone to lose to get to wedding weight! But morning jogs and weekly swimming sessions will sort that out in the new year! :)

First Child and Second Child Differences...

With Ryan I would just stare into his beautiful face when he was a newborn - forget sleep! I have a gorgeous baby to admire!

With Alex, as soon as I've fed him and changed his nappy I'm patting his back, rocking and shushing him counting down the time til he falls asleep and I can get my head down.

With Ryan, as soon as I heard him sniffle or stir I'm jumping right to the Moses Basket and finding out what is wrong.

When Alex begins to stir, I roll over in bed and enjoy the last few seconds rest I have before he lets out his fog horn cry and I'm sorting him out again.

With Ryan I enjoyed putting him in day outfits and sleepsuits at night

Alex can live in sleepsuits, one for the day and one at night. It's so much easier and there's no need to force him to grow up. He's my baby!

Whenever I breastfed Ryan, I would sit up with my feeding cushion and sit there enjoying this time together

Alex get's fed "on the go" because sure enough when I'm feeding him Ryan is up to mischief or has just managed to walk into a door frame (or something silly) So get Alex latched on, hold him with one hand (he lays on my arm) and I'm running after Ryan, sorting him out at the same time.

Whenever Ryan filled his nappy, I would change it straight away, often getting "jet pooed" on or weed on.

When Alex fills his nappy, I sit him up and rub his tummy, waiting for the inevitable "round 2" (and round 3...4...5 etc) and wait for him to cry for a change, then I know I have the "all clear" for changing him.

Ryan would be bathed carefully in the big bath, with lovely bubbles and then given a baby massage with baby oil afterwards.

Alex gets bathed in the sink - no time for massages afterwards!

Ryan would get floor time on his little play mat for hours on end

Alex is not allowed anywhere near the floor for fear of being stepped on or jumped on by said older brother

I'll make it up to Alex when the sleep-deprivation wears off.

On that note. Naptime. x

Mummy Cuddles

Alex's Birth Story

Well as you know I was having lots of irregular contractions for a couple of days and they kept getting stronger but then stopping again! (Grr!) Well by day 5 of this going on I sent Ross to work despite having contractions every 7-8mins all morning.

I had a midwife appointment that afternoon which Ross was taking me to so I felt relatively calm and just pottered around the house, looking after Ryan and basically being in denial about the contractions I was now having every 4-6 mins. They were making me go "oooh" lol but still I thought I wasn't in labour!

Went to midwife appointment, but this point I couldn't sit down during each contraction. I sat down in the midwife’s office she said "Hi Laura, how are you?" and I bent over, shut my eyes and started mooing like a cow as I dealt with another pain. The midwife then laughed and said "looks like you're in labour". So she checked me and I was 3cms and 100% effaced! Baby's head was "as far down as it can be without being born!" as the mw put it!

Still I didn't believe I was in labour! LOL

So went home, put Ryan down for his nap and proceeded to time the contractions (thank you contractionmaster.com!)

So then I watched Friends - ironically enough it was the episode where Rachel was in labour! Haha. By this point Ross was frantically answering emails and phone calls from work and trying to tie up some stuff so he could take me to hospital Then Ryan woke up from his nap, we sent him across to April’s house and then the contractions upped a notch. (I think it was the relief of knowing he was safe and out of my hair that made things progress)

Before we know it I start to whimper and scream with each contraction and they were coming every 2 mins! They started to feel “pushy” as well. We jumped in the car and Ross was racing up to 120mph on the dual carriage way honking at cars to get out the way - while I screamed the place down during each pain!

We got to the hospital, had to climb 4 sets of stairs to get to the labour ward! (Lifts were taking forever!!) and a kind midwife saw me leant over the banister and crying so she held my hand and took me straight into an assessment room. They checked me and I was only 3-4cms!! I was devastated!

The contractions slowed down - perhaps it was the nerves of being in hospital. But I was taken to a delivery room (which had it’s own en suite! Nice) got changed into a nightie and they gave me the gas and air! (hello old friend!)

This is where things start to go crazy. Basically I started taking the gas and air for each contraction and having a break in between - then the contractions decided to come one after the other. I remember crying out through gritted teeth “I WILL do this without an epidural!!” at that the midwife and Ross laughed at me. I had to stay on the gas and air as the pains were coming constantly. So then I was in a cloud of confusion - I was no longer aware of time or my surroundings. I felt encased in this horrendous pain that seemed to take over my whole being and everything around me (Ross by my side talking to me and the midwife checking baby’s heartbeat) was all being registered in my brain a few seconds later than when it really happened. I began to feel like I was watching my own birth from a different viewpoint.

The pain was entering this “fog” that the gas and air put me in and was of such high intensity and so constant that I could no longer breathe it in. I was purely screaming - the sound brought me right back to Ryan’s birth just before I started to push. I knew despite only being 4cms dilated that Alex wasn’t far away. I felt wild and screamed and screamed - It was as if my whole body had been set on fire - this deep burning, ripping pain started in my core and radiated throughout the whole of my body (literally from my head to my toes!) But I hasten to add that it didn’t last long! Before I knew where I was, my body started to push! “Tell them I’m pushing” I grunted to Ross before closing my eyes and sucking in the gas and air again. There was only one midwife in the room as she didn’t think I was that far along, before you know it I’m being shouted at to “stop pushing!” and the midwife is yelling at Ross to press the emergency button as she struggled to get her gloves on! Then my beautiful bundle of joy flopped out onto the bed in his water sac. I literally “breathed” him out whilst on the gas and air - my body did all the pushing. I didn’t feel any pain either, no ring of fire this time round!

Midwife popped the waters, and threw my son onto my chest. He was completely blue and slippery but crying - tears flooded my eyes as I just wailed “oh baby! Hello baby! Oh! Oh!” over and over again. He felt so tiny in my arms! There was a such an overwhelming rush of warmth and love that flooded my senses - all that pain became a distant memory, instead I felt whole and safe and overjoyed! (Not to mention dang proud of myself! Woman Power eh! Lol)

I didn’t tear or graze and I’m pretty sure that was down to me not actually forcefully pushing the baby. Oh boy was it painful but my beautiful Alex was worth every moment of it.

Alexander Ross Burton is here!

Born 10:31pm 26th October 2010. Weighing 7lbs 2oz. He's tiny! Born in the sac of waters (apparently that's good luck and means he'll never drown!) And he had a heart birth mark on his right bicep!

I'm in love!!

Back in Loving Hands

I like to think this photo has captured the emotion of what has just happend today. We found a very poorly baby Arnie, led by the front door (outside on the gravel path) he was stone cold, immobile and had his eyes closed. His back legs were awkward and stiff and he had a lump at the base of his spine. The poor lizard had staggered to the front door and gave up - closed his eyes and led there to die in the freezing cold.

Then Ross, Ryan and I approached the front door on our way back from a sunday walk - I had looked at the ground as I left the house only half an hour earlier and he wasn't there, so for sure we met at JUST the right time. I don't know what made me look at the ground - he was so still, we could have walked straight past him (Ross had!) but there I saw him, led still and sad on the gravel in a defeated pose. Ross scooped him up in his warm hands, huddled him close and I rushed about getting things for our baby lizard - my motherly instincts stretch to reptiles it seems -as who knows what made me think of filling a hot water bottle and having him lay on it to regain temperature.

It felt like something out of a James Herriot novel.

But now I ponder it - and look at this picture of baby Arnie in Ross' loving hands, it made liken it to us and Heavenly Father. Sometimes in life we do foolish things or make choices that aren't best for us (like leave the straight and narrow path - or escape from a viv) sometimes we think we know better and decide to do things our own way for a while only to get beaten and bruised and cold. Then we try to get home but sometimes we've wandered too far and need help.

It touches me to remember that even when one of Heavenly Father's children have strayed so far that they think going back is impossible and give up all hope - our Saviour is there to rush to our aid, scoop us up into his loving embrace and fill our spirits with warmth and love again.

Baby Arnie is back in his vivarium tonight. There's a wonderful feeling in the house now and I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for inspiring me to go out at just the right time for us to see baby Arnie. Even if it is not to be and baby Arnie is to die, at least he will spend his final moments in the warmth and safety of his home with those who love him around.

And if he makes a full recovery - lets hope he learns his lesson and doesn't escape his vivarium again!

Hmm!!!

Well hello there - *she says sheepishly*

I was having regular contractions every 6-10 mins today - ALL DAY - seriously. Since 6:40am !!!! THAT'S A LOT OF CONTRACTING FOR NOTHING!

Ahem....

So went to Toys R Us and walked around in hopes that it would hurry things along, glugged down some raspberry leaf tea...all that jazz. Had 4 MAJOR INTENSE contractions which rolled into each other and then it all went quiet on the western front!

Not even a twinge.

So I'm going to bed feeling like I had the most unproductive, silly day of my life.

I'm devastated to say it was a false alarm! Alex you naughty boy!

Little Alex is on his way!

I can't believe I'm typing this. I am sat here, feeling so horrendously sick and keep getting hot flushes with each "contraction" (which totally feels more like period cramps this time round as baby is not back to back)

I feel shivery despite not cold, I also feel like I can't get a grip! Why am I doing this again?? The pains aren't following any particular pattern yet - but I'm averaging one every 10 minutes. Also had my "show" so labour is pretty imminent.

To be honest it just feels like I'm on a major period. Crampy, hot/cold sweats, want to curl up in bed with a hot water bottle and sleep....but at the same time I'm all figety and keep getting panicky flutters in my chest...

It's still early - this could go on for hours and hours yet. Who knows?! But one thing I do know, I'm in early labour and this little boy wants out!

Wish me luck! x

Another Day Another....Baby?

Well hello there...

Excuse me if this is the most weird blog entry I've written thus far. For some crazy reason I am awake at alien-o'clock! It's still dark outside!!

I had the weeeeeiiirdest nights sleep!! Firstly, I kept waking up on my back (which KILLS! Baby stop squishing my organs and pressing on my spine!!!) and had such strange dreams (all of which I have now forgotten the details which is really annoying because when I woke up I thought "hmm must write these down") and oh I don't know it just felt so "odd". I feel like I've woken up to a "new life". Or an alternate reality perhaps? Okay so I warned you this entry would be weird - I have no real points to make or logical explanations to give for my feelings right now...so I sound like a rambling weirdo! (hey let's see how many times I can include the word "weird" in this post - ha)

So...two days ago I thought I was in labour. Yehaw! Basically, I've been having those period-like pains and lower back pains come and go all day/night for a few days now. But the other night they started to get inteeennnsse. I was doing the old' "labour dance" (ya know the one, swaying hips with the contractions, with your head bowed low and eyes closed - because that's how I rock and roll!) Too painful to deal with while sat down, unable to keep still, fidgety and wanting to be alone.....all good signs right? Well I thought so. Got in the shower because the pains seemed to be coming every 5 mins or so and the pain....oohhh it was ALL coming back to me, the memory of myself making a solem oath to myself (as I was laboring with Ryan) that Ryan would be my one and only child....(not that the pains had got THAT bad or regular, it was just feeling the earlier ones again REMINDED me what was to come!! Yikes!) The shower felt soo good on my lower back, ( note to self, pack hot water bottle in labour bag) I knew if it was a false alarm they'd die down after my shower - as this soooo often happened when I was pregnant with Ryan. To my surprise, they didn't! So I ooooh-ed and I aaaaarrrhh-ed and did my new-age self hypnosis freaky stuff that just totally doesn't do anything except make you go a bit light-headed and "out of it". (The breathing techniques are STUPID I TELL YOU, they basically just want you to suck as much oxygen in as possible so you actually go dizzy and focus on that rather than the pain)

.....anyways. Poor Ross - remember he was violently ill last week? (I didn't tell you the rest of the story as didn't want to remember it myself to be honest!! But basically Ross called work saying he was sick and the response he got was "no way, we can't have you off, just log in and start working when you've stopped throwing up" I didn't even know this was legal.....anyways he worked from home the next day, but also looked after Ryan all day because I was throwing up for a looooong 12 hours and then proceeded to have immense contractions for a further 3 hours (3 hours of screaming....nice) but anyways then he went back to work on the Thursday and picked up our new car (Audi RS2) from Paddington and drove it back which meant he didn't get home til 9pm and then he worked through the weekend as well because of his stupid "critical period" he's going through at work. (rant over I promise! :D) Anyways the whole point I was trying to make was Ross looked like a ghost, completely pale, even more skinny than usual and sunken eye-sockets. He was PRAYING I wasn't going into labour. He was soooo exhausted and poorly having no time or chance to recover properly from being ill.

Ha, so maybe that's why everything calmed down! Because it did. After hours of these promising pains that actually had me fooled and thinking "who do we call about Ryan? WE HAVE NO PLAN!" they just stopped! No more twinges. Nada. Went to bed, woke up in the morning feeling peachy (and I mean like a big round heavy peach!)

But guess what - come night time (around 5pm) I'm back to dancing around like an oompa loompa, sighing and - *oh* I'm having one now! (maybe it's psychological after all!?!?)

Anyways that went on for a few hours and stopped as well!

Does this sound familar? Read back on my blog - I talk about several instances where I was SO FLIPPING SURE I was in labour....and remember the epic quote: Ross "Are you in labour? Shall we call the hospital" Laura: "No I'm not in labour!! I'm just in pain!" hahaha

So welcome all to SLOW LABOUR. Or Grumbling Labour. Whatever you like to call it! Research (and my history) shows that this can go on for a couple of weeks! But seeing as i'm 38 weeks tomorrow that isn't surprising. Oh and no one is allowed to tell me I'm just having "Braxton Hicks". I know what braxton hicks are, the bump goes hard, there's a bit of discomfort but nothing too serious - THESE ARE CONTRACTIONS people! So go take your patronising know-it-all butts somewhere else because this big mamma ain't listening!

Woweee the SPD isn't helping. Oh boy does rolling over in bed bring tears to my eyes!!! And the lovely CRACKING noise when I sit up in bed or accidently crunch my pelvis as I walk - oooh.

IT'S ALL COMING TO A CLIMAX. I can barely get up and down the stairs, I can get hardly reached forward to change Ryan's nappy on the floor...then I can't pick him up afterwards and have to roll onto my knees and grab the nearest piece of furniture to prise myself out of the clutches on gravity and back onto my feet....

I'm SO done. This is getting ridiculous. I'm completely over this being pregnant thing. I mean seriously people, 2 years in a row! I gave birth in 2009 and will be doing so again in 2010. There should be a universal law that prohibits that!!!! After this I'm DONE. DONE I TELL YOU! DONE DONE DONE!!!!

...At least until "the boys" are in school. Or left school. Or gone on missions. The plan is to have 2 more close together after about 5 or so years - but then can I face going through another 2 pregnancies!?! and Close ONES???

We'll see. I just hope I don't end up having so many kids we end up being the Vontrap family and I die out of sheer exhaustion from having SO MANY BABIES. lol.

Okay putting myself back in perspective. I'm only having this baby. This is my last baby. I will grit my teeth and go through the wrath of God one more time to bring this baby into the world and then I'm done. No more. Oh please let 2011 and 2012 be pregnancy free!! PLEEEAAAASSEE! (as selfish as this sounds....I NEED my body back!!!)

Oooh on an exciting note - April is throwing me a baby shower!!! How exciting is that!? Plus this sunday is my LAST week teaching in Primary *sniff* *sniff* Which brings my absent total to: 7 lessons. (3 of which was actually because of Holiday to the USA!) So as awful as it was - the whole sickness malarky, I only missed 4 lessons (sneaky of me to say though because we had General Conference in April and Stake Conference so reeeaally it was 6 sundays)

*note: If I'm reading this back and thinking "oooh it wasn't THAT bad then, I could totally go through it again, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! NOT YET, IT WAS AWFUL, SO AWFUL YOUR BRAIN HAS REPRESSED THE MEMORIES AS THEY ARE TOO HORRIBLE TO BRING BACK - GO READ YOUR HYPEREMESIS BOOK AND GET IT PUBLISHED YOU CRAZY WOMAN!!

Well, I DID warn you about this post...

Going back to bed now... :)

My Worst Fear!!

On Sunday morning I got up, washed, dressed and ready for Church - Ross jumped in the shower as I went upstairs to Ryan with his sunday clothes and a fresh nappy for the day.....to find him laying over his pillow, hugging his blanky and smiling at me but not lifting his head. He looked so happy but tired.

Then the smell hit.

"What on Earth?" I whispered to myself as I crept closer into the room, then I noticed most of last night's dinner all over the sheets, his clothes and the cot!! What was even more sad was it was all completely dry! Poor little monkey had been sick in the night and not feeling well but didn't cry for help!! As I stripped the bed and put monkey in the bath I felt like the worlds worst mother!

So church went out the window. We stayed home to look after monkey and "just in case" it was a tummy bug - you never know with children!

Ryan wasn't sick again. But he kept developing a temperature and was off his food all day, not to mention screaming with pain as his bottom molars are cutting through! Yeouch! Ryan went to bed last night, cried a little every now and then but mostly slept through.

Then Ross got struck done! First time he's had a bug since we've been married and I was dreaded this happening since he asked me to marry him!!! Stomach bugs are my worst nightmare - but the idea of Ross getting one shook me to the core!!

Surprisingly, when he started to be violently sick in the bathroom - an awfully evil smile crossed my lips (only once I promise!!!) and the naughty thought of "get a taste of what it's like to be pregnant darling" entered my head. !!!! How evil am I?!!! Despite freaking out or panicking (as I thought I would) my maternal instinct seemed to kick in. I quickly felt nothing but compassion and just wanted to take care of him.

Now armed with tissues and lots of water, he's on his own in the bedroom - quarenteened for the rest of the day. I wish we had a sliding hatch in the bedroom door where I could refresh his water and leave more tissues.

Ryan is very off-colour today. Again, I went up to him this morning and he was curled on is knees and forearms over his pillow and hugging his blanky. He didn't smile at me this time, but looked up at me with sad, poorly eyes and sucked on his dummy a few times. I stroked his head, wrapped him in another blanket and he promptly fell asleep again.

Now I'm sat in the lounge, rather sleep deprived and feeling like I'm a ticking time bomb. It's only a matter of time before it hits me too. But at least it'll be temporary....not lasting months on end. I just pray this bug doesn't cause me to go into labour! Can't think of anything worse!!

x

Boys Day Out

Ross and Andy took Ryan out to the Audi Day International at Castle Coombe today while I stayed home and enjoyed some piece and quiet - and proceeded to clean the house from top to bottom!

You can just see Ryan peeking out of the window as he was having another taste of life on the fast lane - they do a family procession lap for parents to take their kids on the track. :)

They want me to labour like a CAT!

Notes about how things can go wrong:

- Baby is still small for dates - Hospital birth
- Waters break and there's meconium - 999 ambulance to hospital
- Slow Progress - 999 ambulance to Hospital
- Erratic Heartbeat - 999 ambulance to Hospital
- Cord Prolapse (Emergency C-section) - 999 ambulance to Hospital
- Going Overdue +14 days (will be induced)
- Going into labour before 37 weeks
- If baby's position is not perfect for an uncomplicated delivery, 999 amulance to Hospital

My Situation:

-Going for another routine check next week to check if baby has caught up in size, if not, having another scan and possible induction - as baby is still measuring small for dates

Cons of Homebirth (in Swindon Area):

- Only have basic equiptment for ressusitation
- Can do stitches - but need to provide a torch and Ross would have to hold it!
- Wont administer jab for placenta to allow for a more "natural" birth
- No longer allow pethadine at home due to drug adddicts breaking into midwife's car to steal it
- Will not allow gas and air until Midwife stays with me and midwife wont stay until she thinks I'm close to transition
- Only allowed to bring one small canister of gas and air at a time from hospital (15-30mins worth)
- Will not break waters at home
- Need to buy Midwives take out (yes, they requested we buy them food) plus tea and coffee
- Need to install a light outside front door and have Ross stand out and watch for them when they arrive
- Need to provide childcare - they will not allow children present

They were going on and on about how it'll be all natural and hippy-like. Ugh it was horrible. They even suggested that if I were to need the gas and air and pethadine so badly I should be in hospital anyway because there would have to be something very wrong to not be able to do it drug free! (Labour flipping HURTS you weirdoes!!)

Ugh. Been put RIGHT off a homebirth. Typical that I would be in the area of the country thats SO hippyish and new age!!!

Everything in Disarry

The house looks like it has been turned on its head and everything shuffled around, Ryan the little whirlwind has left a trail of devestation in his wake and is now sat watching TV while I sit bolt upright on the sofa - propped up with pillows and trying to ignore the ryhmic kicks in my tummy as baby Alex has the hiccoughs - AGAIN.

I am utterly drained. After a week of tirelessly searching for baby Arnie, chapel cleaning, caring for Ryan, walking in the rain from my midwife appointment, having Ross home late every night AND a dinner date with a friend - I am feeling completely and utterly drained.

I'm sick of looking at cars - talking about cars - and going round and round in circles with future plans, the impending arrival of our little boy, being stabbed by various medical professionals and being stupidly tired during the day but come 3am I'm as wide awake as a child on Christmas Eve. I'm sick of constantly looking, praying and hoping for Baby Arnie, I'm tired of having to lay on the bed to put my jeans on because of my stupid SPD (which has now been confirmed by midwife who gave me strict instructions not to pick Ryan up, stand up for long periods of time and avoid stairs - riiiiiiight!!) The hot flushes, the terrible nausea which seems to be coming back stronger with each day - today I actually found myself running to the bathroom to be sick! Oh joy. I'm sick of Ryan's tantrums - whereby he throws his whole body on the floor and acts like I've just hit him! I'm sick of bills, budgets, bank managers, loans, shopping, saving, sick of doing timesheets, invoices, tax breakdowns. Sick of emails, sick of writing, sick of reading, sick of crying when I lift Ryan out of his cot and grunting as I pick up his toys....sick of driving, sick of being in a car, sick of teaching, sick of going out, sick of eating, sick of being hungry, sick of having showers, sick of doing my hair, sick of all these BLINKING HICCOUGHS, sick of the heartburn, the pains, sick of EVERYTHING.

Everything is in disarry. And whats more Ross is having to go into the office this weekend! (Saturday) and be on call on Sunday. So much for a nice quiet weekend!

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Well that's my rant over with.

Onto happier thoughts....that'll have to wait for another day.

Please Come Home Baby Arnie! :(

Baby Arnie; when we got home from shopping and cleaning the chapel on Saturday, we found the vivarium cage door open by about a cm. This is more than enough for you to wriggle your way out of - and so your vivarium is empty and abandoned.

We miss you. We have ripped up carpets, lifted sofas, looked through all our clothes, drawers, wardrobes, cupboards, skirting boards, radiators, stairs, appliances and curtains. Yet we can not find you.

Ross and I are heartbroken and we are praying ferverently that Heavenly Father will help us find you. As we go to bed for the second time without you in your vivarium it is with heavy hearts. At first I was just frightened of finding you creeping up on me or startling me when I go to the loo - now I'm scared that we will never find you.

I can not believe I am in tears as I write this - who knew you would become a part of this family! I sincerely hope and pray and plead with Heavenly Father that we find you. Please, please, please.

I don't know what else to say, I'm absolutely heartbroken and begining to lose hope.

Please come home.

x

WELL DONE GABOR!!

Just a big shout out of: CONGRATULATIONS to Gabor on passing his test with FLYING COLOURS!!!

Woo hoo! So pleased for you all!

NESTING

So I've been nesting - BIG TIME. And I have to say the results are very rewarding....the only down side? THE WORK IS NEVER DONE!! There's still plenty of paintwork and skirting boards to wash, crumbs to hoover up, washing to do, dishes to clean, junk to sort out, toys to clear up, stairs to hoover, floors to sweep, cobwebs to get rid of.....oh ITS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm getting there.

Still, got everything we need for Alex - except for a bouncer - so that's pretty good going. Plus all his clothes and blankets have been washed and are ready (I've even made his bed) :)

SOooo....now I can focus on the cleaning I need to keep on top of and my hypnobirthing CD because NO WAY can I let myself freak out again like I did when I was in labour with Ryan - seriously there was a moment (which lasted about 20 minutes) where I completely lost it, I thought I was going to cease existing because the measure of pain on every level (mental, physical, spiritual, temporal...) was so great and intense that I thought there was no way anyone could exist...let alone be alive. Anyways apparently this is called "transition" phase and everyone goes through it and it's all normal and yes that totally went away when I could suddenly push but SERIOUSLY, that Is NOT a feeling I want to experience again - that feeling of total and utter despair and failure and panic and *okay breeeeeeaaathe!!!* See why I'm doing the hypnobirthing course now? Let's hope it makes a difference....

Oh Baby! My Baby Boy!!!

So today went something like this....

I slept badly (again) and had nightmares all night where I was cut

open and had a baby pulled out of me, rushed into a little incubator

and then got told to go home and wait for them to call with "news". All I could do was look down at the gaping wound in my bump (which had not been sewn up) and wondering how on earth I was going to go home to Ryan without scaring him!

Then another dream I actually had the baby naturally which felt odd because it was like my mind had taken the memory from Ryan's birth because that feeling of the baby coming out - it was just the same. It felt so, so real and once again as soon as the baby was born I wasn't allowed to even see his face before he was whisked away from my outstretched arms and then no one told me where he was, how he was or anything, just got told to go home...

So you can imagine me waking up in a pretty rough state after such horrible dreams! I woke early - about 8am (early for me believe it or not haa) And felt sick to my stomach, hideously tired and like someone was crushing my chest. I had truly let myself believe that I was going to be told that baby needed to come out now and I was going to be induced or given a c-section. It wasn't really the concern of having the baby that was troubling me (although that was there of course) but it was the idea of having a preemie. A baby born too early. The thought makes me shudder to my very core. I never realised how much the idea unsettled me. I was faced with the idea that my body wasn't doing as it should - that a glass box and tubes were more efficient at caring for my baby than me! It made me feel like a failure in some way....like I wasn't the best incubator for him...

and on with the sickness! I saw flashing lights in my eyes, kept going dizzy and faint and had panic attacks by the dozen. Needless to say I got myself into a real state!

Still, I managed to get Ryan up, changed nappy, dressed him, brushed his teeth, gave him his morning porridge and juice and got myself ready for the scan. I decided to do my hair nice and put on some make up (even foundation would you believe!) It made me feel a smidge better. I stood in the middle of my room and toyed with the idea of packing a bag for the hospital - should I pack some baby clothes too? Just in case? - I figured Ross could rush back and get some things if they were needed. I wasn't going to be TOO prepared, that just seemed like I was being very pessimistic.

So Ross got ready to take us out, we piled in the car - Ryan in his car seat babbling away like we're on a trip to no where special. I clutched my medical notes in my trembling hands and tried to slow my breathing down as we drove. That drive to the hospital felt like the longest drive of my life.

Finally we got there, typically enough we had to park miles away from the front doors, so by the time we reached reception I was gasping for breath and bent over double holding my side because I had a stitch. Any onlookers must have assumed I was in labour!

Well so we got into the waiting room, sad down and waited. And waited. And waited. And - well you get the drift. It just felt like someone had pressed mute and was laughing at me. Years went by and my name was called.

I trudged towards the scan room as if I were taking my final steps towards the noose. I thought that no matter what happend now, I would come out of that room a different person. (and I was right)

I layed down on the bed thing, the nurse was so friendly - the conversation and scan went like this:

Nurse: Okay Laura, lay down for me - could you tell me your date of birth

Laura: Okay, um it's the third of January 1989

Nurse: Great, okay we're going to take some measurements of the baby today and plot them on the graph and see how he's doing

Laura: Okay, I'm really nervous, I've been so worried

Nurse: Okay - *places gel on bump* this is cold, let's see your baby

*I looked over at the screen and saw flashes of body parts on the screen as the nurse spread the gel around my bump with the wand thingy, then suddenly a picture of a baby's arm....then a round thing that looked all blurry*

Nurse: Oh aww baby has it's hand in front of the face - it's a shy baby

Laura: Oh, aww

*Nurse prods bump and baby moves hand away and suddenly I see my baby's face - all I see is a zoomed up version of his nose - long and straight like Ross'! - and then a bubbly outline to the side*

Nurse: Look at those chubby cheeks!

*Then I could see his mouth opening and closing and something poking out a little*

Nurse: Now the baby is poking it's tongue out - can you see that? Aww that's funny, okay now we're going to measure circumference of his head.

*I see a wide round thing which I assumed to be the top of the skull*

Nurse: Oh look, see there's a long line of fuzzy white dots just outside the head?

Laura: Umm...yes? *oh no, there's a problem, I'm thinking*

Nurse: That's the baby's hair...he's got lots of it too

Laura and Ross: Wow!

*Nurse moves wand around, talks us through what she sees, stomach, legs, arms, fingers and toes*

Nurse: Oh yes, definitely boy, see there? Oh and he's wiggling his toes! Look!

Then the Nurse plotted the measurements and worked out the baby to be weighing 3.5lbs which is smaller than average, but she said it wasn't by too much and it's completely fine. Fluid levels were fine, placenta was fine. It was all COMPLETELY FINE.

Laura: So everything is okay then? I could go to term?

Nurse: Sure, you might even go overdue again

Laura and Ross: Good!

It's all back to normal. No more premature birth, no more "your baby isn't growing" worries....and I continue planning my homebirth - which I had not really known whether I wanted or not until I found myself not being able to have one - I AM OVER THE MOON!!!

My adorable baby Alex. Oh how I'm relieved you are alright. I can not wait (well I can but you know what I mean) to birth you and hold you in my arms and kiss your face and look into your eyes for the first time. I wonder if you have blonde hair? Or brown? Or will you be red at first like Ryan? Will you look like mummy? Or daddy? Or a combination of us both? We already know you have little legs and big chubby cheeks. I already love you. I'm going to be a good mummy from now on and do no more lifting heavy things and painting. You are my focus right now, my job is to make sure you get to earth safely and I'm going to do my very best to make the journey as smooth and as pleasent as possible. (note to self: begin hypnobirthing course)

Love you Alex. Thank you for being so good and going head down and not back to back etc etc. You're brilliant! (this does not give you permission to misbehave now though...)

Mummy xxx

Scan Date, Nesting, Worrying....LIFE

Oh where to start!?!

I got my scan date through, it's going to be wednesday 15th at 11:15am. Then I'll have a doctor look at it and see if baby is growing properly. It will probably mean another scan for the following week to see how his growth is and if baby is not growing or there are issues with the placenta, cord or amniotic fluid they will give me steroid injections and get the baby out! This probably wont happen until I'm at least 34 weeks along but still seems so early for my precious bundle to come out into the big bad world. Plus it would mean him going in a little incubator, have a feeding tube and on a ventilator to help his breathing and staying in hospital until near his due date - or so the internet says!

Meanwhile I felt baby moving all the time this morning and now he's quiet - so I'm like a quivering wreck. He's probably sleeping, in fact poor boy is probably shattered from all the poking and prodding he gets whenever he goes quiet.

Ross is gun-ho about getting the house sorted -THIS WEEKEND - he's going to mow the gardens, de-clutter the rooms upstairs, put up the wardrobes, take out Ryan's old baby clothes for me to wash and sort through and make sure this house is ready, not just for the arrival of our new baby - but also for Carla and Gabor to move in....which will be - when?? No clue. Which is fine, we just need to be prepared because right now everything is up in the air and neither Ross and I can CONTROL when things are going to happen, all we can do is make sure WE ARE PREPARED!!

I knew I jinxed myself on Sunday, I was laughing with my Primary President who said "the Primary Presentation is October 17th, so whatever you do, don't have the baby early!" and I went "oh haha ha ha, don't worry this one is going to be late like Ryan was".

I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on.

And all I can think about now is how silly I am for only having 0-3month clothes and very few newborn clothes - never dreamed I might have to have preemie clothes in stock...

OH JOY!! Baby started to kick and wriggle again! THANK YOU!!!

It's going to be a loooooong wait til Wednesday. *sigh*

What?!? WHAT?!? ARE YOU KIDDING??

Today I feel sick.

Oddly enough, not because of "morning sickness" or "3rd trimester sickness" or whatever they like to call it...

No, I feel sick because I have been not sleeping well, getting hot flushes and trying to wrap my head around the idea that there *could* be something wrong, but I just have to sit here and *rest* while I wait to find out when I can go to hospital to find out *if* there is anything wrong, which there *might* not be.....Yeeesh.

I'll start with the beginning of the story -

So I didn't sleep too well the night before my midwife appointment - I was so wrapped up in worries over the jab and my midwife being angry at me for being soooo late getting this appointment (which actually was NOT my fault but that is besides the point) So I didn't feel too well yesterday, but went about getting ready. I had no idea what to wear either!! Arm, thigh or bum? Who knows where they will jab me!!?? So I got dressed in a cool skirt and top and gathered my paperwork together...prepared a sample and was all set. Then I decided to put some jeans on...then I decided to wear a long sleeved top, then it was too hot so I put on a t-shirt....and it went on and on until Carla turned up to take me to my appointment.

So we go in, Megan on Carla's lap looking like a gorgeous doll with long curly golden locks and a smile that would make anyone gush... the midwife was SUPER friendly. No lectures or tellings off. She was breezy - albeit a bit scatter-brained too, but who am I to judge on scatter-brainedness?

Blood pressure was 110/70 (nice change from my last dismal 90/50) sample was fine, no ketones or protein...heart baby's heartbeat and OH BOY did that feel great to hear! Carla and the midwife were grinning away like cheshire cats as we all listened to the strong ryhmic beat of my unborn child's heart. Then I got measured - "27cm, that's fine" I frowned a little but wasn't put off by her words, then she did the jab, (was rather dignified too, just pulled my jeans down a little and told me to wriggle my toes - don't think it did anything but definitely distracted me! ha.

I was SO relieved the jab was fine that I was on a different planet. We were blissfully talking about booking my homebirth appointment when my midwife paused, looked at my notes and frowned. "you're 32 weeks tomorrow?" she asked. I nodded. "Oh you measured very small..." she plotted it on the graph and low and behold I was waay out of the grey area (whereas up til now I had always been average!) "Shall I book you an ultrasound just to make sure everything is okay?" she asked, I gleefully agreed thinking "oh wonderful I get to see my little boy again!" then it all seemed to sink in a bit for the midwife, she called the hospital and they were booked up for the next 2 weeks she said "it'll be too late by then, she's already 32 weeks you see..." then she called someone else and then when she had no joy in getting me an appointment she said she was going to send for me to receive an ultrasound (through the post) and have to wait. So I'm to sit and wait for my appointment to arrive....who knows when it'll come and when it'll be for! The problem was they wanted to arrange for an ultrasound with an abstetrecian (sp?) but she said I'll have one with a nurse and if a problem is found they will have some emergency doctor to come and look at the ultrasound...

So....Google is NOT your friend. Loads of stories of babies that stop growing due to short cords, failing placenta or low amniotic fluid levels...ending up in the mother having to be induced early or if the baby can't cope with the birth they'll just get the baby out via emergency c-section....etc etc. IT'S ALL SO DRAMATIC.

What's worse, is my midwife doesn't want to talk about homebirth anymore because i've suddenly been put on "high risk" until they know what's going on. Baby is lying back to back so there's a possiblity that all is absolutely fine and he's just wriggled in deep and made me measure small....but apparently the "grey area" takes this into account....so 5cms too small is enough to make anyone panic....I mean seriously, 5cms???!!!! That's HALF WAY TO FULLY DILATED!

Phew.

So my orders are to sit down, relax, give up on the old housework duties and wait quietly like a good girl - oh yeah and to count the kicks every hour and if baby goes quiet I've got to GO INTO HOSPITAL STRAIGHT AWAY.

*sigh*

Ross says NHS suck, it's so true!! If we don't get an appointment by the end of the week I'm sorry, but we're booking a private scan with babybond this saturday - because seriously I can NOT wait a whole weekend to find out WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BABY!!

I'll keep you updated.

I'll keep you updated.

Return of the Morning Sickness!

I feel like my pregnancies are like dramatic Star Wars movies. lol.

I'm not being sick yet, but oh boy do I feel like i'm going to be! I feel like I'm experiencing a return of the first trimester, only it's much heavier, gruntier and a real pain in the ribs and back!!

I'm so emotional too! I cry when I have to pick Ryan up from his cot, I cry when I have to change his nappy (who wouldn't? haha) I cry when he climbs on top of my and wriggles onto my lap pressing his back into my bump like it's a bean bag....I cry when he's good, I cry when he's naughty....I cry when Ross is away at work all day long and cry buckets when he's home!

I think I need to drink more to make up for all this crying!

My house - it is massive. How does one clean such a large house when it takes so much energy just to get up and dressed? I can't carry the hoover up and down the stairs anymore. I'm *this* close to throwing laundry down the hole between the stairs like it's some sort of laundry shoot....

Ryan has found a great new game - take the balls out of his ballpit (in his bedroom, 3rd floor) and throw the balls down the stairs one by one....all the way to the bottom floor.

Yet Ryan is proving to be helpful....I'll say "give it to mummy" and he'll give me anything that is in his hands. He's learnt to "fetch" the post too (he hears the postman put letters through the door, runs down the stairs and comes back up with letter in his hands) What makes me laugh is he has also learnt that junk mail (leaflets) get thrown in a pile next to the front door!

He will pick a blu ray movie and give it to me to put it on and then sit and watch the movie all the way through - so I can hardly complain!

I just can't take him out - I feel horrendous. He munches on whatever we have in....bread, ham wrap, fruit loaf and biscuits...it's so hard.

All I want to do is wrap myself up in my duvet and sleep in bed all day and night. :(

Woe is me!

*sigh* Oh well, 9 weeks to go...

Never Again...

Everytime I lift my head I feel the room spinning, I'm stupidly weak my body is shaking and I keep getting hot flushes...

Why?

All I ate today was lots and lots of chocolate.

Again, why?

Because I was up all night with Ryan and was so exhausted today I didn't feel well enough to make any food...

Now I'm going to bed and promising myself that I'm never going to be so stupid again....!!!

The Wonderful-ness of what is going on inside my head!

Ahhh holiday to "New York" was wonderful. We laughed, we cried, we got hyper, we feasted on American food....we shopped, - I dropped - we relaxed in the sand....there were crickets and fireflies, toads and a groundhog....and there was jumping and screaming and children giddy on Oreo's....there was sleeping and waking at all hours in the making, and hot days with rainy days....the best flipping holiday!

I'm too jetlagged to record everything. But thankfully I shall always remember - and indeed treasure - the memories I have of visiting with Gemma, Nathan, Evan and Ashlyn!

I miss them! The first couple of days have felt so quiet and sad! I feel like I've lost 2 of my children! I had become so accustomed to Evan and Ashlyn running around the house with Ryan. It made me realise how much I love having the home filled with children. Oh how much joy they bring into the world! I can not wait to welcome sea-monkey into our family! I love to hear the floor boards creaking with little (and loud) footsteps, the squealing and babbling and even the bashing of bottles against the cot bars in the morning and the little dinosaur shrieks at all unearthly hours!

I love being a mum! I am overwhelmed by how much I love it. Call me crazy but I enjoy the diversity of the job - the responsibility involved and that feeling that you are doing something important. Yet it's so understated and like being an undercover agent. (I can wait for my reward in Heaven) Yes there's days when it can feel laborious, repetitive and crushingly difficult to keep going - especially when you need to take a sick day but can't! But mostly, it is just wonderful.

I love my family so much! To think I am a mere 21 year old who has married her best- most - favourite man in the world, with a gorgeous little boy and another on the way! I love my house - although it's not practical to clean- I love my bed, I have the BEST friends in the world! (Tracey and Nathan, Alyssa and Ethan came over yesterday with muffins and clothes for Ryan welcoming us home and seeing how we are!!) The ward is wonderful, the Gospel completes my joy in this life.

What more could I ask for?

I am filled with so much joy and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the blessings - and trials - in my life. They have all brought me to this moment and for that I am so thankful.

I feel overwhelmed! I feel like I'm living in some surreal dream - my head is all cloudy and I'm up at odd hours of the day. Monkey kept me awake until 2am again last night (he watched Monster's Inc) so I'm yawning every 2 minutes and my eyes keep running. I'll go back to bed soon, but I just wanted to write my thoughts down as they are positive ones! We don't always write down our positive thoughts - they often fly by without much consideration until we are hit with a negative one that we pay attention to and exaggerate til we are depressed...

So! On with the positivity!! On with having another baby! On with preparing for Christmas! On with this life!

It is a world of opportunity we live in. I feel motivated and ready to take the bull with both horns - so as to speak - and reach out for everything!!

(and on that note, I'm going back to bed LOL)

New York, New York !

Well tomorrow we fly to Newark airport (yay!) but my, my how things are more stressful when you're a parent!! Usually I would be bouncing up and down and already packed with the house gleaming and all ready to go!!

Now there are clean folded clothes in every room of the house! Suitcases are out but half empty, hallway is full of "stuff" that needs to be packed, kitchen is messy, carpets need hoovering, gardens are tatty, Ryan's toys are all over the place....got one passport in the bedroom, one is in the lounge and the other is in the photocopier. lol. Still haven't printed off travel docs and I need to have a shower, wash my hair, go shopping for last minute bits and bobs, pick up drs note, drop of lizards in Gloucester - all the while sorting Ryan with food, nappies, clean clothes, keeping him alive etc etc....

Yikes!! lol.

So..what am I doing on the laptop in bed? Well it's not quite 9am for one thing and Ryan is still in bed. I'm seriously lacking in motivation but nothing a quick shower wont fix. :)

*sigh* Guess I better go. I buying the world's biggest chocolate bar while I'm out (need something to keep me going! lol)

Not long now!!!

Ps, 90 Days to Go!!! Ahhhhhh!!! Hello 3rd Trimester!

It's the FINAL Countdown!!

Okay so now that song is in my head - but loooook!! LOOOOOK!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My baby ticker says "99 days to go" today we have crossed a MASSIVE milestone!! (Yes granted I went 10 days overdue last time but who cares? I could be early this time! )

I'm so excited to have this baby! I'm MORE excited about going to America but seeing that baby ticker just made me realise how close we're cutting it! Phew! I've been feeling braxton hicks for the past week or so which seems so much earlier than last time, but NHS direct say it's normal for a second, third, fourth baby etc etc. I'm not worried, it's just a mild inconvinience.

Ryan had his MMR jab last week and he was sick last night, up with a high temperature (37.5) and moaning and crying even in his sleep. Poor munchkin. I hate seeing him poorly but hopefully it means the vaccine is working and his body is busy making lots of antibodies! I read that they offer it from 13 months because that is around the time when the mother's immunity leaves the baby!! Oh this just made me cry!! No wonder people keep breastfeeding for years....I just want to wrap my little baby up in cotton wool and keep him protected from EVERYTHING!

Ah. Two little monkeys. I'm having TWO baby boys! I'm completely in love with the idea. I was getting all Ryan's old clothes and going "ooh awww cute!!!" it will be so surreal to see the new baby in Ryan' "old" baby grows (IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY HE WAS A NEWBORN I SWEAR!)

We have an inspection of our house today - and they stated in their not-so-polite letter that they will inspect the propety between 9am and 3pm. I wasn't feeling too hot yesterday - totally lousy, lethargic, wanting to be sick and hating this "return of the nausea" feeling...so had Ross call and cancel....and get this - they said "we'll let the inspecter know of the situation but as there are no more times we can carry it out he will be coming to see the property anyway..." [cue angry eye twitch] Grrr!

So last night consisted of hoovering, de-cluttering, cleaning, stacking, folding, washing, plumping pillows, frantically pulling hair out and the odd bit of growling. I was in a baaaaad mood. (Hey pregnancy hormones completely over-exaggerate EVERYTHING)

Then Ryan was up feeling so hot he was burning me to touch! Poor little mite. He's never poorly - I always comforted myself with the thought that he had Ross' manly immune system. Stupid MMR jab -oh how I hate you!!

Ooh massive change of subject - but I've read that "they" are in the process of creating a vaccine against the sickness bug!!!! [CEL-A-BRATE-GOOD-TIMES-COME-ON!] I think I will die from happiness when that happens...

Okay tummy is growling at me for food - and monkey needs some mummy cuddles. :)

Laura xx

Rambling, Week 25, Driving and My Upcoming Book...

17 days til New York !! woo hoo.

Okay so I was going to write about my previous post but I'm soooo busy and spend every second of my spare time either napping or writing my new book! So for the sake of moving on and not missing anything else, I'm skipping that write-up. Sorry but as they say a picture speaks 1000 words....so yeah.

Anyway whaffle over! Went out to the shops today on the bus and they've changed the rules! No change!! You've got to have the perfect amount for your fare! £3.20 for a day rider so I lost £1.80 as I didn't want to walk and only had £5 note on me. Anyway so that had me a little miffed - especially as it was swealtering hot and there was barely any room for me because there were two prams onboard already. It was further motivation for me to keep at it with my driving lessons!!

Speaking of which, I am now negotiating rounabouts. Cool eh? I was super confident after my lesson and feeling like I was getting somewhere, so Ross took me out in the Golf and oh-my, now I know why he said "I don't want to teach you to drive because I want to save our marriage!" my instructor is so supportive and tells me all the things I'm doing right and saying how I can improve in other areas.....Ross just grumbled about all the bad things and kept saying "if you didn't know that and your teacher didn't teach you that I'm very concerned!"

Needless to say I'm not going out in the Golf with him again any time soon. [angry face]

Besides, there's a MASSIVE difference between driving a petrol and a diesel!!

Had a midwife appointment yesterday - I'm 25 weeks now!! Woo hoo, so I got my MAT B1 form, HIP grant form and got to have my bloods done before we go to America so I'm all set for the Anti-D when we get back. Bump is measuring spot on for my dates and the midwife SAW the baby kicking, it made her day! She said "It's so unusual to see it this soon! But look - there it is again!" That was nice!! My blood pressure was 90/50 (even lower than the time I fainted!) but midwife was very happy with it, said it was "healthy". Oh well.

Still thinking about having a homebirth - the midwife is coming to the house for my 32 week appointment where she can answer all our questions and go through it all with Ross and me. So that's something to look forward to! lol.

I'm writing a new book - it's called "Pregnancy is not an illness but Hyperemesis Gravidarum is!" I have a list of women who have submitted their experiences to me and want to be involved. There'll be a section entitled "You're Not Alone" and lots of short stories of women who have suffered with Hyperemesis, some end in miscarriage or abortion, others have happy endings, but they all agree on the horror that is Hyperemsis! I'm sharing my experience, research and key lessons I have learned from going through it - especially having two pregnancies close together. I'm highlighting the dire medical treatment in the UK and advertising the Hyperemesis Education and Research website - the proceeds will go to Helpher.org for research into the illness and finding a cure.

It's theraputic to write but indeed harrowing. Replaying it all is hard but the flashbacks are not coming so much and I feel like writing it all down and knowing that my experience could help others is helping me put it all to rest.

I've got a Primary activity to go to tonight and Ross will be home to take me in the next few minutes so I better head off now and put some make up on!

Gotta run!!

Laura

A weekend of pictures

Write up to follow...

Freebies RULE!

Yes, yes I know one of these photos is sideways - but it is much easier for YOU to tilt your head to the side than complain to blogger that their uploading thingy isn't working properly!!!

Anyway the toddler bed is solid pine (painted white) and give to us for FREE!!! And because we bought all new bedding for our new bed, we have a proper guest room set up and raring to go!!

Jana and Terin (a couple who used to live in Kentucky but is on base in Germany and have a baby) are coming over to stay for the weekend (unless they receive our email about Ryan possibly having the chicken pox at which point they would probably stay away and all my slaving and heavy lifting this week was for nothing!) And I was so stressed out! But it's done now and I'm really pleased! :)

Yeah you read right - chickenpox!! A baby at church (Well 19month old baby) has come out in spots and confirmed chickenpox 2 days ago - there is a 2 week incubation period and as Ryan was playing with this baby on Sunday is it 99% likely that Ryan has caught it too! I guess it's better to get it over with before the baby arrives!! (And before we go to America!!) So yeah....it's good but not good. Eh I'm not looking forward to the sleepless nights and all the spots!! ahh poor ickle Ryan. He's been out of character, restless, quieter than normal, off his food etc etc. So thinking he's beginning to feel a bit poorly. *sigh* Never ends does it!!?

Gotta go, I'm so shattered! xxx

Flights are Booked, Driving lessons and Week 21

The flights are booked! We're flying with British Airways got bulk seats and Ryan will have a bassinette (suitable up to 2 years in the BA ones) So Ryan has run around room and a bed to sleep in. We also got a bit of a discount because one of the guys at Ross' work is a shareholder and get's some money off. It wasn't much but better than nothing!!!

SO, we fly out on 7th August at 5:30pm (UK time)
and return on 20th August at 4:25pm (USA time)

So that means we're in the states for 13 days!! Woo hoo! Not sure what we'll be doing yet - we were looking at spending a couple of days in SLC but looking pricey. Anyways it's all official and booked - now onto holiday shopping!!!

Well the driving lessons are - erm, interesting! I've had 4 hours of lessons now. The BSM guy on the phone said I'd have 2 lessons a week (2 hours) but my instructor is treating them like we are spending 2 hours on one lesson. I'm also supposed to be on an "intensive course" and after 4 hours I've not even left a car park!!! All I've been taught is the cock-pit drill, MSM, Clutch control and change into 2nd gear!!

Last lesson, we got told off by a big black security guard who said "you can't teach anyone to drive in a car park - and this is private property" - my Indian instructor played the "I don't understand your language card" for a second and then grumbled as he drove away we then spent 30 mins of him driving around trying to find another car park. We did and then spent most of the time waiting for people to walk past or cars to leave. It was so frustrating!!! He then patronised me like crazy about how hard it can be to change gear and how I'll probably stall or make the car jump - It was dead easy!! Didn't stall once and felt super natural!!! Even when I got this to a tee and was saying "okay what's next" my instructor said, "hmm well you are picking this up much quicker than average, but I want to stay in the carpark until our next lesson" I looked at the clock and saw we just moved into my second hour and said "oh good so we're going now are we?" and he said "No, no, next week I'll take you somewhere very quiet"

Ross is soooooo frustrated! £80 is spent already on just teaching me stuff that Ross has already gone through with me before in a car park!!!

So the question is - do you cut your losses now and go with someone else? Or keep with it for a while and potentially waste more money...

Feels like such a joke - and the foot pedals are sooooo high up! (Much higher up than the Golf) OH and I forgot the worst bit!!! We were learning in 27 degrees heat with NO air conditioning!!!!! I was dying!!!!!!!!!

Okay so onto pregnancy - I'm feeling like I'm at the "cute" stage. A nice little bump, feeling cute movements and kicks, not feeling nausea or anything. BUT I'm still absolutely exhausted, keep feeling faint and dizzy when I get up, and my appetite is still none-existant!! I mean, that's not totally a bad thing because I don't want to put on so much weight as I did with Ryan!! But he keeps me on my feet much of the time and I can't stop cleaning!!!

Oh well, got Jana and Terin coming over this weekend (a couple and their baby that Ross knew on his mission) on a last minute holiday to England, they wanted to stay over (Americans eh? Expect you to act like a hotel!!) Lucky we have a spare bedroom! So we got some 600 thread count Egyptian cotten bed linen, Goose feather and down duvet and pillows for us and then the spare bed has our Goose feather and down double that we got from our wedding.

Ryan is talking loads now - his vocabularly is: "Mummy," "Daddy," "Hello", "Yeah", "Ow," "Dog," "Good" and "Baby". Pretty good really! But he does like to babble in his baby language and copy whatever you say!! He's also decided that climbing onto the TV stand is the most fun thing to do in the world! lol.

Well that's all folks.

Laura x

Ryan's First Buger King

Ryan is going to love Wendys! Can't believe he absolutely demolished his mini burger and chips! He ate more than me! (My appetite is still dismally low)

My beautiful new clothes!!

Well I was rather miffed to find that NEXT have pulled their Maternity stock from the shelves and only sell it online - but I gave in and bought some clothes and they arrived today! Less than 24hrs after I ordered them! And they are all BEAUTIFUL!! Yay!! I've got LOTS of growing room but now very excited to get my little bump growing!! (I'm still easily fitting in my normal clothes!)

Been feeling lots of lovely kicks and wiggles. It's so nice at this time of the pregnancy.

The sickness would be gone if it werent' for the awful cold/cough I have, so I've been sick a few times when I shouldn't need to be. Ryan is poorly too and still getting into mischief which is tough because I've lost my voice so I can't tell him "no!"

Bet he loves it!!!

Roll on our holiday to the states in July!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

HEAT WAVE

ITS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monkey has our one and only fan in his room to keep him cool (he's on the top floor poor sausage) AND I'M DYING IN THIS HEAT!!!

Aaargh.


Not a lot of news really. Except we're having another BOY. Yep, but now I just wonder if the sonographer got it wrong....I mean the baby's hand WAS between it's legs....maybe it was a hand?? Who am I kidding, saw it all bright and clear - just still in shock. This is NOT a boy! Ryan was hyperactive and kicking and bouncing and just....well a BOY for sure!! But this one...it's so laid back, so cool - he kicks a lot but they feel different. He's different. Ah well, I'm not cloning Ryan - boys are allowed to be different! hehe

THE LAST EPISODES OF LOST ARE ON SOOOON!!!! Ahhhhhh

Okay monkey is awake, time to fill up the paddling pool...

oh yeah and we got Ryan his first shoes! He's got such fat feet! hehe size 4.5 G!!! Massive. He looks dead cute in them though! :)

Let the Voting Commence! And...Hello Week 15!

Well today is a big day in the UK. The General Election. A time that had so many near death experiences that we thought it would never happen! Traditionally the Electoral term in the UK is 4 years but Brown (who inherited 10 Downing St and was never elected) has stretched it out for as long as lawfully possible. So after 5 long years we are finally able to voice our opinions! And what are mine? Get Brown out!!!

Several Labour MPs have been sacked due to writing inappropriate statements on their Twitter and Facebook accounts about other MPs or Brown himself! Recently a Labour MP stated that he felt Brown is the "Worst PM in history". This is exactly what happend to the Tories and as such destroyed themselves from within.

Ed Balls (Labour Ed officer) is adamant that parents should not be allowed to decline sex education being taught to their 5 year olds. Parents are also receiving court orders and prison sentences for absent children! Excuse me!! And don't get me started with how PC this country has become and so accommodating to all forms of religion apart from Christianity.

Just recently I read an artical about a Christian Priest who was sacked for refusing to wed a gay couple. When he appealed, the court judged that religious reasons alone is not a good enough defence and he should respect other people's decisions to marry!

Oh and of course who was the Chancellor during the countries biggest Boom/Bust in history? Who insisted that he was "Going to Save the World"? The same person who smiled in his creepy manner, thanked a life-long Labour supporter for voicing her concerns about his immigration policies and then behind closed doors (with his mic still on and the world able to hear) called her a "Bigoted woman" Charming.

Brown summed himself up perfectly during the last election debate when he opened with "I don't always get it right".

Yes well done Brown. You never get it right.

13 consecutive years in parliament is clearly the danger zone for any party. It was in the later years that Maggie let the power to her head and thought she could do whatever she liked. The same is happening again. Labour are tearing themselves apart, Blundering-Brown is offending people across the nation and giving small children nightmares with his eerie smile and the party are turning this state into a Socailist/Communism society!

Get - Them - Out.

I feel pretty horrendous today, but I'm going to hobble into that voting office and put my X. I vote for change, for family values, for discipline in schools, a cap on immigration, no NI rise, and prepared for some tough tax rises and public spending cuts that are inevitable to get us out of this mess that Brown got us into.

Let's face it, whichever party gets in power, we've got hard times ahead of us. So we might as well vote for the party who believe in being "Great" Britian and allowing the nation to keep it's free agency!

lol rant over.

Ah the Finer Things In Life....

So I'm sat up in my brand new French Mahogany Sleigh Bed typing away on my very pink Sony laptop and thinking life isn't so bad with Ross working in London. :)

We have a beautiful bed with the finest mattress going and I must say, my back doesn't hurt, I feel like I'm laying on a supportive cloud. Every contour of my body hugged and I am in complete and utter bliss.

I am going to enjoy a nice lie in tomorrow morning. In fact, I might get Ryan in with me to chill out all day long. :D

Here's to new beds!! Aren't they great!

BallPit Fun and Pregnancy Thoughts

For the first time in his life, Ryan fell over and one of his teeth went through his lip! Blood everywhere!! Ryan was screaming, Ross was dramatically calling out for bandages, I was trying not to be sick and frantically looking for cotton wool balls....it was an absolute nightmare!

It's all very well and good that our little man can walk even at this young age, but he has decided to RUN everywhere!! This means occassional bumps and bruises which I guess are normal when you've got a fearless dare-devil as a son! Where he get's it from I've no clue! ha.

So I had a brainwave. We patched him up, gave him a big kiss and popped out to the shop where we bought a £2.50 blow up paddling pool and 400 balls for £16. When we got home, Ross blew up the pool and filled it with all the coloured balls. Ryan was hessitant and curious at first. He took great interest in emptying the pool and throwing the balls around the room.....then my camera ran out of battery and he turned gleeful! He jumped face first into the balls and buried himself in them going "Yay!! Yay!!" with the biggest, cheesiest grin you'd ever seen! He couldn't stop laughing and jumping and screetching with joy! It was then that Ross and I thought it was a mistake to put the ballpit up just 10 mins before his bedtime! haha.

This is baby burton 2. The sequel. In all honesty, I wasn't excited about this pregnancy. It all felt too soon and Ross and I were consumed by the horrible fact that this pregnancy = sickness. It's been a roller coaster so far because I've been sick, sick, sick. Yes. I've been weak. Tremendously weak. I've been unable to gulp a drink down for ages....I've not been teaching my primary lessons and that had me so guilty. I needed sisters to come over and take Ryan for a few mornings or bring over food for Ross. For about a month an a half, I ate nothing all day long save a few pieces of chocolate that would melt in my mouth so I didn't have to swallow. The nausea this time round has been much worse. Yet the most I have been sick in one day so far is 4 times. That is a big improvement on my record 21 in the last pregnancy. I'm wearing the "bonds of pregnancy" (i.e. my sea bands) and I have just felt trapped in a doom and gloom. Completely unable to comprehend that all this sickness was doing anything productive. Last time round, I was so attached to Ryan and knew who he was and felt his spirit. I often would say "it's you and me against this sickness!!" well it's the same thing this time, only I'm not close to this baby. It's still "me and Ryan against this pregnancy!" Isn't that awful? Isn't that the most terrible thing a mother could think?

So when I went in for my scan last week I was very nervous - and sick - and shaky - and weak. (after walking across the massive hospital carpark and up 3 flights of stairs because Ross didn't want to go into the elevator!! *sends Ross the evil eye* ) then this picture came up. A calm, serene, sleeping 9.2cm long baby. A perfect baby. Complete with eyelids and fingernails. 5 fingers and toes, two arms, two legs and little nose. A baby. MY baby. An overwhelming emotion of love consumed my being as I looked in awe at this beautiful creation. Suddenly it all had such great meaning. My sickness and gloom had purpose and worth. I HAD been doing something for the last 3 months of misery. I grew and created this outstandingly gorgeous and immaculate baby! A baby!

Well I am now very excited and completely in love with my new precious cargo. It is lovely to know that Ryan will have a brother or a sister too as he does love playing with other children!! Plus as he is walking now and he doesn't do cuddles I want another baby!! haha good thing I'm having one then!

Well anyway it's all good now. I'm full of a cold and hoping that when it goes the sickness will too....one can only dream! hehe

ryan walking video

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=aa9a2547e648efcc3d71d2&skin_id=701

Weeks 9 and 10

I am finding it increasingly difficult to sit up and type these blog enteries. Yet I have decided to persevere and write down how I'm feeling because I really want this baby to be my last.

On the odd chance that I am feeling "well" and yes there are occasions where I am not feeling horrendous, as soon as I move or get up, I'm on a dodgey cruise ship and running to the bathroom to be really sick.

Today I woke up feeling positive and "okay". I ate two slices of dry toast and smiled at the achievement. 30 minutes later I proceeded to throw up those two pieces of toast and the entire contents on my stomach. This always happens when I think to myself "hmm I haven't been physically sick for a few days..." I think I should just keep quiet.

These weeks have been stressful and hard. To say the least. Ross' job is excrutiatingly hard at the moment and Ross simply has nothing to do and is faced with daily frustration and ridicule. After stating that he is more depressed and upset about work than he ever was at Sony I told him he was wearing Rose Tinted Sunglasses because he was utterly miserable in Sony. Ross stopped me, looked at me with full suriousness and said "No Laura, this is much, much worse". I gulped.

Ross made a desperate prayer to the Lord at work yesterday, reminding him that he was promised to be able to provide "profficient income and means for the family and to always be recognized and rewarded for your work" he told Heavenly Father that he wasn't getting that in Nationwide and it was frustrating and trying. After venting, he went back to his work and just "let it go" he decided not to fight anymore or push but to put it up to the Lord to show him what he needs to do. He decided to just put his life into the hands of Heavenly Father and he felt peace.

Remarkably, two things happened that day. Firstly, his boss spoke to him and seemed very positive about training opportunities and things changing by November this year. Ross felt happy about this. Then he gets a phone call from a former work colleague and friend who worked at LCH (London Clearing House) where Ross applied for some months ago. The guy they hired just bailed on them and they were desperate for Ross to work there. They said they needed someone committed because this was a 1-2 year project that needed someone to see it all the way through. He said "can I tell HR to not advertise the job and to put you through to work here instead?" Taken aback, Ross said yes.

Today Ross gets a phonecall from his recruiter friend who works for LCH and said that he was requested for an interview next tuesday. Ross said it was silly and too soon. So an interview was booked for Wednesday. The job is closed to outside applicants and Ross is the only one going for it. They also said "Expect an offer in the interview or 15 minutes afterwards". The daily rate will be £380.

Stress? Indeed! I can't talk about it anymore. Will update what happens. xxxx

What a 2 and an 8!!

Gotta make this quick coz I'm really not well and need to go back to bed. But here's the update:

Saw midwife, she wrote in my notes "Laura is suffering from Hyperehimitus" and said she didn't know what medicine Avomine was, let alone Ondansetron so she told me to see the doctor.

Had telephone convo with doctor who did know what Hyperemesis is and said "All hyperemesis women are very individual when it comes to medication, so whatever worked for you last time will work for you again" so she's got me on Avomine again. When I mentioned Ondansetron she went absolutely mental at me claiming it to be very powerful and absolutely insane to give it to Pregnant women as the long term effects and risks are unknown. When I argued that the docs in America said it was no harm to the baby at all - well she actually scoffed and said Americans knew nothing......pppft.

I'm actually okay with Avomine and I didn't really want Ondansetron anyway because it IS a strong drug and if I can live without it, I will! That's not to say anyone who takes it are awful or made any risks. Gemma, my sister had horrendous sickness and was in hospital - I think for her there was no other option and it is because of Ondansetron that both mother and baby survived!!!

But one mans meat is another mans poison. I'm rubbish when it comes to tablets, my body just goes all crazy, so it's a blessing in disguise.

OOOh more good news though - my due date is actually 29th October which puts me at 9 weeks on Friday! That moves the 12 week scan forward by 3 days and because I didn't have a proper cycle before I fell pregnant who knows how far I really am.

I'm still being sooooo sick though and feel like I want to die - I really wish someone would just take Ryan away. He's having night terrors and I know it's because he's upset that Mummy's so poorly.

Anyway I'm waiting for the one thing I'm craving - Chicken Salad Sandwich - and hopefully I'll feel better after that. Just like last time, I'm able to eat a small meal in the evenings. Last night it was steak and mashed potato with sweetcorn and I ate almost the WHOLE meal!!

Oh and no hospital for me, apparently I am ketone free and as I was overweight before, no one bats an eyelid that I lost so much weight because, well to be honest, it needed to be lost. Gosh I hate being fat. Think this sickness is a blessing in disguise. I'm back into my lovely size 12 jeans and making it to week 9 and got no tummy! Haha. Shame everyone knows. No need to hide it now.

Anyway blabbing over. I'm off to bed. xxx

Pre-Doctor's Appointment Jitters

My doctor's appointment is at 5:30pm today which is about 6hrs away now - It's going to be a looong day. It doesn't help that I had a nightmare last night which consisted of a doctor's appointment that resulted in me being sent to hospital for ketosis and malnutrition and then dieing because the hospital staff got the IVs wrong and overdosed me with something which had me die and I'm wondering around in the spirit world with my "daughter" and we're unsure about what to do, so we go to visit mum who is laying in bed with so much pain and an escort is with me and I turn to him and beg him to fix her and by a miracle mum feels no more pain and is healed...then she tells me to go back to my body - I said I wanted to stay because I didn't want the pain and sickness anymore, but mum told me to think about Ross and Ryan so I decided to go back but only if I didn't miscarry and could carry the baby full-term, my escort agreed so I went back to my body and then left hospital. Then I took Ryan and got on a plane to America to be with Gemma and she was upset because their house had "parasites" which looked like Armadillos and Nathan needed to go to work which was in Space and then Ryan rolled onto a baby and I freaked out and then called Ross who wanted a divorce because I went to America without telling him and then I woke up!

SO, as you can imagine, I am now REALLY nervous about the appointment. Not that I think my dream will happen - I actually know why a lot of the stuff happened in my dream. A few months ago I read THIS artical about SWINDON hospital!: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article7051474.ece and mum has leant me a few books about near death experiences and told me about an experience where a husband dies and sees his wife who is in bed really sick with hyperemesis and he asks his escort "does she have to have this?" and the sickness went away....Ross and I have been trying to find cheap flights to the states to no avail....the rest was random.

Anyway I'm sure it'll be fine but a part of me wants to go to hospital because I have resorted to crawling everywhere now and I really can't eat. I just want this to end now. I'm done. :(

Will update when I get back. xxx

Week 8

Spoke too soon - rushes out to be sick - spoke too soon! - fighting the urge to be sick again - SPOKE TOO SOON! - Cries.

The last 2 days have been the most awful, dreadful, horrific, horrendous, unbearable, sick-making, sick-being, nauseating, stomach clenching, shudderingly - terrible days EVER to be known to mankind.

Gotta give me brownie points for being able to stay creative eh?

Yesterday I felt like a miserable loser. I failed the "strong mummy" test. When it came to the afternoon I was in bed, passed out (not really, just Reeeaaaally asleep) and unable to get up when a little sad 10 month old was crying out for "mama" for age. Then Ross got home for his lunch, assessed the situation, fed Ryan, gave him juice and settled him down in his travel cot in front of the Telly watching children's shows. Then he left something for me to eat next to my bed and a bottle of water. The smell of shortbread was whafting over to me and was so offensive to my nose that I had to stuff them into the bed side table drawer.

I just cried and cried and cried.....ran a bath which turned out to be cold and lay in there crying and crying until no more tears would come.

So panic stations. The hyperemesis has hit and HARD. Ross got a brother to come over and they both gave me a blessing. Then I got bombarded with calls from sisters today. Cathy is coming over in the next half hour to give me a hug and help me today - she's gonna get some sort of routine going of sisters coming round to help with Ryan and help me get through it. I can't really believe it. Everyone here is just so loving and actually want to help me. I could cry - but unfortunately I did enough of that yesterday.

So Swindon ward is the biggest blessing in my life. Ross and I prayed ferverently that the sickness would go away so I could get through this but instead, Heavenly Father blessed me with a lot of help to get through. I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday too and I'm going to find out what they can do for me. The biggest problem at the moment is I CAN-NOT-EAT. I'm like some crazy annorexic/bullemic (sp?) drinking isn't a problem, I can manage that. And I'm not actually being physically sick *too* much. But the unrelenting nausea....it's debilitating and it's worse on an empty tummy...but I can't eat!! See the cycle?

Here's to 8 more weeks of hell. At least I've got angels to help get me through. :)

Week 7

Clementines are now my favourite type of food...and kiwi fruit and grapes and strawberries....mmmmm! INFACT if I SMELL clementines the nausea is gone! Completely gone!! I'm even enjoying the smell of lemon and lime!! This new baby is making me enjoy food that I wouldn't ordinarily touch with a barge pole!! I'm loving all things fruitalicious!!

Foods I do NOT enjoy anymore:

MEAT - ugh
Chips
Chocolate
Shortcake
Flapjack
ANYTHING with grease!!


Foods I can't get enough of:

Clementines!!!
Grapes
Fish cakes
Fish Fingers
Rice
Corn on the Cob
Exotic Fruit Juice

Yum yum yummy yum yum!!!!!

So, I'm feeling yucky, pukey and horribly heavey in the morning. For about a couple of hours I'm being sick, gagging, dry heaving...all that wonderful jazz. BUT. Come 11:30ish I am *touch wood* feeling pretty good. I have to fight that horrible sicky, heavy, gaggy feeling as I eat something and about 10 minutes after eating the nausea is gone.

This is what I'm talking about! It's rotten, but doable. I'm able to play with Ryan, change Ryan, look after Ryan. I think these Avomine tablets are really doing something and I'm only on one a day!! So this is what it's like to have "normal" morning sickness!!

There is hope for me yet!! I have started week 8 and hoping that I can continue with this! This pregnancy is far more different from the last!! I'm pretty sure it's because of several different factors:

1. Ross is home with me a lot more
2. Ryan - motivation to get out of bed
3. Forcing myself to eat, even if it's awfully horrible
4. Not being afraid of being sick
5. Keeping positive
6. Lots of prayer!
7. The tablets!

Today I actually feel human! I could cry!! :) I know that I didn't help myself last time, I got into such an awful, anxious cycle. The routine would go: Be sick - Cry - be sick - lay in bed all day/night refusing to eat or drink for fear of being sick - cry - be more sick - become dehydrated - sip little drinks - be sick.....when the sickness started to die down....I was making myself be sick in the mornings because I thought I would be sick and wanted to get it over with!! This was because I was all alone for 13 hours every day. I'm much stronger this time and much more mature about the situation. And so far, it's been going well! It could have gone just the same as last time, because I AM being sick in the morning - just like last time! BUT I'm not afraid to eat, and I've even found foods I'm enjoying!! So I'm very pleased.

Can't wait to stop using the tablets too because I have horrible side effects from them - lethargy, nightmares, hallucinations....etc so I've already cut the doseage in half and I'm feeling better than when I was on them! Typical!

Well, i've just got to figure out Primary, because I'm worst in the morning and actually being sick, so the lesson is out the window, but maybe I can keep going to sacrament meetings. :)

Well that's all my thoughts for now - oh dear, Ryan just whacked his head on the radiator. gotta dash!

Laura xxx