So today went something like this....
I slept badly (again) and had nightmares all night where I was cut
open and had a baby pulled out of me, rushed into a little incubator
and then got told to go home and wait for them to call with "news". All I could do was look down at the gaping wound in my bump (which had not been sewn up) and wondering how on earth I was going to go home to Ryan without scaring him!
Then another dream I actually had the baby naturally which felt odd because it was like my mind had taken the memory from Ryan's birth because that feeling of the baby coming out - it was just the same. It felt so, so real and once again as soon as the baby was born I wasn't allowed to even see his face before he was whisked away from my outstretched arms and then no one told me where he was, how he was or anything, just got told to go home...
So you can imagine me waking up in a pretty rough state after such horrible dreams! I woke early - about 8am (early for me believe it or not haa) And felt sick to my stomach, hideously tired and like someone was crushing my chest. I had truly let myself believe that I was going to be told that baby needed to come out now and I was going to be induced or given a c-section. It wasn't really the concern of having the baby that was troubling me (although that was there of course) but it was the idea of having a preemie. A baby born too early. The thought makes me shudder to my very core. I never realised how much the idea unsettled me. I was faced with the idea that my body wasn't doing as it should - that a glass box and tubes were more efficient at caring for my baby than me! It made me feel like a failure in some way....like I wasn't the best incubator for him...
and on with the sickness! I saw flashing lights in my eyes, kept going dizzy and faint and had panic attacks by the dozen. Needless to say I got myself into a real state!
Still, I managed to get Ryan up, changed nappy, dressed him, brushed his teeth, gave him his morning porridge and juice and got myself ready for the scan. I decided to do my hair nice and put on some make up (even foundation would you believe!) It made me feel a smidge better. I stood in the middle of my room and toyed with the idea of packing a bag for the hospital - should I pack some baby clothes too? Just in case? - I figured Ross could rush back and get some things if they were needed. I wasn't going to be TOO prepared, that just seemed like I was being very pessimistic.
So Ross got ready to take us out, we piled in the car - Ryan in his car seat babbling away like we're on a trip to no where special. I clutched my medical notes in my trembling hands and tried to slow my breathing down as we drove. That drive to the hospital felt like the longest drive of my life.
Finally we got there, typically enough we had to park miles away from the front doors, so by the time we reached reception I was gasping for breath and bent over double holding my side because I had a stitch. Any onlookers must have assumed I was in labour!
Well so we got into the waiting room, sad down and waited. And waited. And waited. And - well you get the drift. It just felt like someone had pressed mute and was laughing at me. Years went by and my name was called.
I trudged towards the scan room as if I were taking my final steps towards the noose. I thought that no matter what happend now, I would come out of that room a different person. (and I was right)
I layed down on the bed thing, the nurse was so friendly - the conversation and scan went like this:
Nurse: Okay Laura, lay down for me - could you tell me your date of birth
Laura: Okay, um it's the third of January 1989
Nurse: Great, okay we're going to take some measurements of the baby today and plot them on the graph and see how he's doing
Laura: Okay, I'm really nervous, I've been so worried
Nurse: Okay - *places gel on bump* this is cold, let's see your baby
*I looked over at the screen and saw flashes of body parts on the screen as the nurse spread the gel around my bump with the wand thingy, then suddenly a picture of a baby's arm....then a round thing that looked all blurry*
Nurse: Oh aww baby has it's hand in front of the face - it's a shy baby
Laura: Oh, aww
*Nurse prods bump and baby moves hand away and suddenly I see my baby's face - all I see is a zoomed up version of his nose - long and straight like Ross'! - and then a bubbly outline to the side*
Nurse: Look at those chubby cheeks!
*Then I could see his mouth opening and closing and something poking out a little*
Nurse: Now the baby is poking it's tongue out - can you see that? Aww that's funny, okay now we're going to measure circumference of his head.
*I see a wide round thing which I assumed to be the top of the skull*
Nurse: Oh look, see there's a long line of fuzzy white dots just outside the head?
Laura: Umm...yes? *oh no, there's a problem, I'm thinking*
Nurse: That's the baby's hair...he's got lots of it too
Laura and Ross: Wow!
*Nurse moves wand around, talks us through what she sees, stomach, legs, arms, fingers and toes*
Nurse: Oh yes, definitely boy, see there? Oh and he's wiggling his toes! Look!
Then the Nurse plotted the measurements and worked out the baby to be weighing 3.5lbs which is smaller than average, but she said it wasn't by too much and it's completely fine. Fluid levels were fine, placenta was fine. It was all COMPLETELY FINE.
Laura: So everything is okay then? I could go to term?
Nurse: Sure, you might even go overdue again
Laura and Ross: Good!
It's all back to normal. No more premature birth, no more "your baby isn't growing" worries....and I continue planning my homebirth - which I had not really known whether I wanted or not until I found myself not being able to have one - I AM OVER THE MOON!!!
My adorable baby Alex. Oh how I'm relieved you are alright. I can not wait (well I can but you know what I mean) to birth you and hold you in my arms and kiss your face and look into your eyes for the first time. I wonder if you have blonde hair? Or brown? Or will you be red at first like Ryan? Will you look like mummy? Or daddy? Or a combination of us both? We already know you have little legs and big chubby cheeks. I already love you. I'm going to be a good mummy from now on and do no more lifting heavy things and painting. You are my focus right now, my job is to make sure you get to earth safely and I'm going to do my very best to make the journey as smooth and as pleasent as possible. (note to self: begin hypnobirthing course)
Love you Alex. Thank you for being so good and going head down and not back to back etc etc. You're brilliant! (this does not give you permission to misbehave now though...)
Mummy xxx
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