Everything in Disarry

The house looks like it has been turned on its head and everything shuffled around, Ryan the little whirlwind has left a trail of devestation in his wake and is now sat watching TV while I sit bolt upright on the sofa - propped up with pillows and trying to ignore the ryhmic kicks in my tummy as baby Alex has the hiccoughs - AGAIN.

I am utterly drained. After a week of tirelessly searching for baby Arnie, chapel cleaning, caring for Ryan, walking in the rain from my midwife appointment, having Ross home late every night AND a dinner date with a friend - I am feeling completely and utterly drained.

I'm sick of looking at cars - talking about cars - and going round and round in circles with future plans, the impending arrival of our little boy, being stabbed by various medical professionals and being stupidly tired during the day but come 3am I'm as wide awake as a child on Christmas Eve. I'm sick of constantly looking, praying and hoping for Baby Arnie, I'm tired of having to lay on the bed to put my jeans on because of my stupid SPD (which has now been confirmed by midwife who gave me strict instructions not to pick Ryan up, stand up for long periods of time and avoid stairs - riiiiiiight!!) The hot flushes, the terrible nausea which seems to be coming back stronger with each day - today I actually found myself running to the bathroom to be sick! Oh joy. I'm sick of Ryan's tantrums - whereby he throws his whole body on the floor and acts like I've just hit him! I'm sick of bills, budgets, bank managers, loans, shopping, saving, sick of doing timesheets, invoices, tax breakdowns. Sick of emails, sick of writing, sick of reading, sick of crying when I lift Ryan out of his cot and grunting as I pick up his toys....sick of driving, sick of being in a car, sick of teaching, sick of going out, sick of eating, sick of being hungry, sick of having showers, sick of doing my hair, sick of all these BLINKING HICCOUGHS, sick of the heartburn, the pains, sick of EVERYTHING.

Everything is in disarry. And whats more Ross is having to go into the office this weekend! (Saturday) and be on call on Sunday. So much for a nice quiet weekend!

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Well that's my rant over with.

Onto happier thoughts....that'll have to wait for another day.

Please Come Home Baby Arnie! :(

Baby Arnie; when we got home from shopping and cleaning the chapel on Saturday, we found the vivarium cage door open by about a cm. This is more than enough for you to wriggle your way out of - and so your vivarium is empty and abandoned.

We miss you. We have ripped up carpets, lifted sofas, looked through all our clothes, drawers, wardrobes, cupboards, skirting boards, radiators, stairs, appliances and curtains. Yet we can not find you.

Ross and I are heartbroken and we are praying ferverently that Heavenly Father will help us find you. As we go to bed for the second time without you in your vivarium it is with heavy hearts. At first I was just frightened of finding you creeping up on me or startling me when I go to the loo - now I'm scared that we will never find you.

I can not believe I am in tears as I write this - who knew you would become a part of this family! I sincerely hope and pray and plead with Heavenly Father that we find you. Please, please, please.

I don't know what else to say, I'm absolutely heartbroken and begining to lose hope.

Please come home.

x

WELL DONE GABOR!!

Just a big shout out of: CONGRATULATIONS to Gabor on passing his test with FLYING COLOURS!!!

Woo hoo! So pleased for you all!

NESTING

So I've been nesting - BIG TIME. And I have to say the results are very rewarding....the only down side? THE WORK IS NEVER DONE!! There's still plenty of paintwork and skirting boards to wash, crumbs to hoover up, washing to do, dishes to clean, junk to sort out, toys to clear up, stairs to hoover, floors to sweep, cobwebs to get rid of.....oh ITS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm getting there.

Still, got everything we need for Alex - except for a bouncer - so that's pretty good going. Plus all his clothes and blankets have been washed and are ready (I've even made his bed) :)

SOooo....now I can focus on the cleaning I need to keep on top of and my hypnobirthing CD because NO WAY can I let myself freak out again like I did when I was in labour with Ryan - seriously there was a moment (which lasted about 20 minutes) where I completely lost it, I thought I was going to cease existing because the measure of pain on every level (mental, physical, spiritual, temporal...) was so great and intense that I thought there was no way anyone could exist...let alone be alive. Anyways apparently this is called "transition" phase and everyone goes through it and it's all normal and yes that totally went away when I could suddenly push but SERIOUSLY, that Is NOT a feeling I want to experience again - that feeling of total and utter despair and failure and panic and *okay breeeeeeaaathe!!!* See why I'm doing the hypnobirthing course now? Let's hope it makes a difference....

Oh Baby! My Baby Boy!!!

So today went something like this....

I slept badly (again) and had nightmares all night where I was cut

open and had a baby pulled out of me, rushed into a little incubator

and then got told to go home and wait for them to call with "news". All I could do was look down at the gaping wound in my bump (which had not been sewn up) and wondering how on earth I was going to go home to Ryan without scaring him!

Then another dream I actually had the baby naturally which felt odd because it was like my mind had taken the memory from Ryan's birth because that feeling of the baby coming out - it was just the same. It felt so, so real and once again as soon as the baby was born I wasn't allowed to even see his face before he was whisked away from my outstretched arms and then no one told me where he was, how he was or anything, just got told to go home...

So you can imagine me waking up in a pretty rough state after such horrible dreams! I woke early - about 8am (early for me believe it or not haa) And felt sick to my stomach, hideously tired and like someone was crushing my chest. I had truly let myself believe that I was going to be told that baby needed to come out now and I was going to be induced or given a c-section. It wasn't really the concern of having the baby that was troubling me (although that was there of course) but it was the idea of having a preemie. A baby born too early. The thought makes me shudder to my very core. I never realised how much the idea unsettled me. I was faced with the idea that my body wasn't doing as it should - that a glass box and tubes were more efficient at caring for my baby than me! It made me feel like a failure in some way....like I wasn't the best incubator for him...

and on with the sickness! I saw flashing lights in my eyes, kept going dizzy and faint and had panic attacks by the dozen. Needless to say I got myself into a real state!

Still, I managed to get Ryan up, changed nappy, dressed him, brushed his teeth, gave him his morning porridge and juice and got myself ready for the scan. I decided to do my hair nice and put on some make up (even foundation would you believe!) It made me feel a smidge better. I stood in the middle of my room and toyed with the idea of packing a bag for the hospital - should I pack some baby clothes too? Just in case? - I figured Ross could rush back and get some things if they were needed. I wasn't going to be TOO prepared, that just seemed like I was being very pessimistic.

So Ross got ready to take us out, we piled in the car - Ryan in his car seat babbling away like we're on a trip to no where special. I clutched my medical notes in my trembling hands and tried to slow my breathing down as we drove. That drive to the hospital felt like the longest drive of my life.

Finally we got there, typically enough we had to park miles away from the front doors, so by the time we reached reception I was gasping for breath and bent over double holding my side because I had a stitch. Any onlookers must have assumed I was in labour!

Well so we got into the waiting room, sad down and waited. And waited. And waited. And - well you get the drift. It just felt like someone had pressed mute and was laughing at me. Years went by and my name was called.

I trudged towards the scan room as if I were taking my final steps towards the noose. I thought that no matter what happend now, I would come out of that room a different person. (and I was right)

I layed down on the bed thing, the nurse was so friendly - the conversation and scan went like this:

Nurse: Okay Laura, lay down for me - could you tell me your date of birth

Laura: Okay, um it's the third of January 1989

Nurse: Great, okay we're going to take some measurements of the baby today and plot them on the graph and see how he's doing

Laura: Okay, I'm really nervous, I've been so worried

Nurse: Okay - *places gel on bump* this is cold, let's see your baby

*I looked over at the screen and saw flashes of body parts on the screen as the nurse spread the gel around my bump with the wand thingy, then suddenly a picture of a baby's arm....then a round thing that looked all blurry*

Nurse: Oh aww baby has it's hand in front of the face - it's a shy baby

Laura: Oh, aww

*Nurse prods bump and baby moves hand away and suddenly I see my baby's face - all I see is a zoomed up version of his nose - long and straight like Ross'! - and then a bubbly outline to the side*

Nurse: Look at those chubby cheeks!

*Then I could see his mouth opening and closing and something poking out a little*

Nurse: Now the baby is poking it's tongue out - can you see that? Aww that's funny, okay now we're going to measure circumference of his head.

*I see a wide round thing which I assumed to be the top of the skull*

Nurse: Oh look, see there's a long line of fuzzy white dots just outside the head?

Laura: Umm...yes? *oh no, there's a problem, I'm thinking*

Nurse: That's the baby's hair...he's got lots of it too

Laura and Ross: Wow!

*Nurse moves wand around, talks us through what she sees, stomach, legs, arms, fingers and toes*

Nurse: Oh yes, definitely boy, see there? Oh and he's wiggling his toes! Look!

Then the Nurse plotted the measurements and worked out the baby to be weighing 3.5lbs which is smaller than average, but she said it wasn't by too much and it's completely fine. Fluid levels were fine, placenta was fine. It was all COMPLETELY FINE.

Laura: So everything is okay then? I could go to term?

Nurse: Sure, you might even go overdue again

Laura and Ross: Good!

It's all back to normal. No more premature birth, no more "your baby isn't growing" worries....and I continue planning my homebirth - which I had not really known whether I wanted or not until I found myself not being able to have one - I AM OVER THE MOON!!!

My adorable baby Alex. Oh how I'm relieved you are alright. I can not wait (well I can but you know what I mean) to birth you and hold you in my arms and kiss your face and look into your eyes for the first time. I wonder if you have blonde hair? Or brown? Or will you be red at first like Ryan? Will you look like mummy? Or daddy? Or a combination of us both? We already know you have little legs and big chubby cheeks. I already love you. I'm going to be a good mummy from now on and do no more lifting heavy things and painting. You are my focus right now, my job is to make sure you get to earth safely and I'm going to do my very best to make the journey as smooth and as pleasent as possible. (note to self: begin hypnobirthing course)

Love you Alex. Thank you for being so good and going head down and not back to back etc etc. You're brilliant! (this does not give you permission to misbehave now though...)

Mummy xxx

Scan Date, Nesting, Worrying....LIFE

Oh where to start!?!

I got my scan date through, it's going to be wednesday 15th at 11:15am. Then I'll have a doctor look at it and see if baby is growing properly. It will probably mean another scan for the following week to see how his growth is and if baby is not growing or there are issues with the placenta, cord or amniotic fluid they will give me steroid injections and get the baby out! This probably wont happen until I'm at least 34 weeks along but still seems so early for my precious bundle to come out into the big bad world. Plus it would mean him going in a little incubator, have a feeding tube and on a ventilator to help his breathing and staying in hospital until near his due date - or so the internet says!

Meanwhile I felt baby moving all the time this morning and now he's quiet - so I'm like a quivering wreck. He's probably sleeping, in fact poor boy is probably shattered from all the poking and prodding he gets whenever he goes quiet.

Ross is gun-ho about getting the house sorted -THIS WEEKEND - he's going to mow the gardens, de-clutter the rooms upstairs, put up the wardrobes, take out Ryan's old baby clothes for me to wash and sort through and make sure this house is ready, not just for the arrival of our new baby - but also for Carla and Gabor to move in....which will be - when?? No clue. Which is fine, we just need to be prepared because right now everything is up in the air and neither Ross and I can CONTROL when things are going to happen, all we can do is make sure WE ARE PREPARED!!

I knew I jinxed myself on Sunday, I was laughing with my Primary President who said "the Primary Presentation is October 17th, so whatever you do, don't have the baby early!" and I went "oh haha ha ha, don't worry this one is going to be late like Ryan was".

I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on.

And all I can think about now is how silly I am for only having 0-3month clothes and very few newborn clothes - never dreamed I might have to have preemie clothes in stock...

OH JOY!! Baby started to kick and wriggle again! THANK YOU!!!

It's going to be a loooooong wait til Wednesday. *sigh*

What?!? WHAT?!? ARE YOU KIDDING??

Today I feel sick.

Oddly enough, not because of "morning sickness" or "3rd trimester sickness" or whatever they like to call it...

No, I feel sick because I have been not sleeping well, getting hot flushes and trying to wrap my head around the idea that there *could* be something wrong, but I just have to sit here and *rest* while I wait to find out when I can go to hospital to find out *if* there is anything wrong, which there *might* not be.....Yeeesh.

I'll start with the beginning of the story -

So I didn't sleep too well the night before my midwife appointment - I was so wrapped up in worries over the jab and my midwife being angry at me for being soooo late getting this appointment (which actually was NOT my fault but that is besides the point) So I didn't feel too well yesterday, but went about getting ready. I had no idea what to wear either!! Arm, thigh or bum? Who knows where they will jab me!!?? So I got dressed in a cool skirt and top and gathered my paperwork together...prepared a sample and was all set. Then I decided to put some jeans on...then I decided to wear a long sleeved top, then it was too hot so I put on a t-shirt....and it went on and on until Carla turned up to take me to my appointment.

So we go in, Megan on Carla's lap looking like a gorgeous doll with long curly golden locks and a smile that would make anyone gush... the midwife was SUPER friendly. No lectures or tellings off. She was breezy - albeit a bit scatter-brained too, but who am I to judge on scatter-brainedness?

Blood pressure was 110/70 (nice change from my last dismal 90/50) sample was fine, no ketones or protein...heart baby's heartbeat and OH BOY did that feel great to hear! Carla and the midwife were grinning away like cheshire cats as we all listened to the strong ryhmic beat of my unborn child's heart. Then I got measured - "27cm, that's fine" I frowned a little but wasn't put off by her words, then she did the jab, (was rather dignified too, just pulled my jeans down a little and told me to wriggle my toes - don't think it did anything but definitely distracted me! ha.

I was SO relieved the jab was fine that I was on a different planet. We were blissfully talking about booking my homebirth appointment when my midwife paused, looked at my notes and frowned. "you're 32 weeks tomorrow?" she asked. I nodded. "Oh you measured very small..." she plotted it on the graph and low and behold I was waay out of the grey area (whereas up til now I had always been average!) "Shall I book you an ultrasound just to make sure everything is okay?" she asked, I gleefully agreed thinking "oh wonderful I get to see my little boy again!" then it all seemed to sink in a bit for the midwife, she called the hospital and they were booked up for the next 2 weeks she said "it'll be too late by then, she's already 32 weeks you see..." then she called someone else and then when she had no joy in getting me an appointment she said she was going to send for me to receive an ultrasound (through the post) and have to wait. So I'm to sit and wait for my appointment to arrive....who knows when it'll come and when it'll be for! The problem was they wanted to arrange for an ultrasound with an abstetrecian (sp?) but she said I'll have one with a nurse and if a problem is found they will have some emergency doctor to come and look at the ultrasound...

So....Google is NOT your friend. Loads of stories of babies that stop growing due to short cords, failing placenta or low amniotic fluid levels...ending up in the mother having to be induced early or if the baby can't cope with the birth they'll just get the baby out via emergency c-section....etc etc. IT'S ALL SO DRAMATIC.

What's worse, is my midwife doesn't want to talk about homebirth anymore because i've suddenly been put on "high risk" until they know what's going on. Baby is lying back to back so there's a possiblity that all is absolutely fine and he's just wriggled in deep and made me measure small....but apparently the "grey area" takes this into account....so 5cms too small is enough to make anyone panic....I mean seriously, 5cms???!!!! That's HALF WAY TO FULLY DILATED!

Phew.

So my orders are to sit down, relax, give up on the old housework duties and wait quietly like a good girl - oh yeah and to count the kicks every hour and if baby goes quiet I've got to GO INTO HOSPITAL STRAIGHT AWAY.

*sigh*

Ross says NHS suck, it's so true!! If we don't get an appointment by the end of the week I'm sorry, but we're booking a private scan with babybond this saturday - because seriously I can NOT wait a whole weekend to find out WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BABY!!

I'll keep you updated.

I'll keep you updated.

Return of the Morning Sickness!

I feel like my pregnancies are like dramatic Star Wars movies. lol.

I'm not being sick yet, but oh boy do I feel like i'm going to be! I feel like I'm experiencing a return of the first trimester, only it's much heavier, gruntier and a real pain in the ribs and back!!

I'm so emotional too! I cry when I have to pick Ryan up from his cot, I cry when I have to change his nappy (who wouldn't? haha) I cry when he climbs on top of my and wriggles onto my lap pressing his back into my bump like it's a bean bag....I cry when he's good, I cry when he's naughty....I cry when Ross is away at work all day long and cry buckets when he's home!

I think I need to drink more to make up for all this crying!

My house - it is massive. How does one clean such a large house when it takes so much energy just to get up and dressed? I can't carry the hoover up and down the stairs anymore. I'm *this* close to throwing laundry down the hole between the stairs like it's some sort of laundry shoot....

Ryan has found a great new game - take the balls out of his ballpit (in his bedroom, 3rd floor) and throw the balls down the stairs one by one....all the way to the bottom floor.

Yet Ryan is proving to be helpful....I'll say "give it to mummy" and he'll give me anything that is in his hands. He's learnt to "fetch" the post too (he hears the postman put letters through the door, runs down the stairs and comes back up with letter in his hands) What makes me laugh is he has also learnt that junk mail (leaflets) get thrown in a pile next to the front door!

He will pick a blu ray movie and give it to me to put it on and then sit and watch the movie all the way through - so I can hardly complain!

I just can't take him out - I feel horrendous. He munches on whatever we have in....bread, ham wrap, fruit loaf and biscuits...it's so hard.

All I want to do is wrap myself up in my duvet and sleep in bed all day and night. :(

Woe is me!

*sigh* Oh well, 9 weeks to go...