Hope Island is getting Published!

Thanks to Blub.com and a -not-so-little push from Alan, I'm getting Hope Island published. Yep, it'll have my own copyright, in my own name and will be up for sale. Basically, people order the book online and it's printed on demand. Or alternatively it can be ordered as an ebook. So that's pretty cool.

It definitely means I need to get writing on the sequel. Hope Island's story is no where near finished and I think the time has come for me to complete it.

Well that's about it on that front. Shouldn't be too long now. Will update when I have more news!

Ps, here's some more pictures of my little guy!

Baby Blues....

I love my baby. He's precious and I can't get enough "cuddle time" with him. Sleep? Who needs sleep? Ha, I laugh in the face of sleep deprivation!!

I'm not so keen on the evenings. The hormone level dips and everything seems that much harder!! I'm having a hard time with the breastfeeding at the moment and sometimes have to express and give Ryan a bottle just to give me a bit of time to heal! It hurts so much to nurse because of a few batch latches in the day - come night time I am crying my eyes out feeling like a failed mother as Ross gives Ryan a bottle and whilst it's my milk he's having, he should be feeding from me!! :(

I feel so SO alone in this whole breastfeeding business. This huge weight is on my shoulders to feed my precious bundle and when it works, it works great and it's wonderful, but when Ryan starts chomping on me and refusing to let go - Yeouch! Then he screams and cries and I know he's hungry and I feel in pain from being so full of milk and we both end up crying and Ross has to come along and calm us both down!! I just can't bare the thought of my baby starving and not being able to breastfeed. :(

Still, come day time and after a little sleep, I'm bright and chirpy and I just think to myself "we will get there in the end, I just have to perservere". I just wish breastfeeding didn't have to hurt so much!

I read online that my hormones are supposed to calm down by day 10 and the baby blues should disappear. I'm looking forward to that. I'm so up and down at the moment that poor Ross doesn't know how to be around me. I dread him going back to work, he's been a huge support!

Well, we just keep going don't we!? As Dory says, "Just Keep Swimming"

Oh, baby just made a really BIG stretch and yawn - think he's coming round from his nap. hahah it's funny, I never knew newborns could stretch like an adult - he stretches his arms above his head and points his toes!! it's SO cute!! haha.

Ryan is One Week Old Today!

It is crazy that my baby is a week old today - this time last week I was moaning and groaning and heating up cookie monster every 5 mins! Now I'm sat here in the lounge with a wiggly baby in his moses basket beside me....he's due a feed any min now, so I'll just make this quick and upload some photos...

A note from Ryan...

Dear Auntie Gemma, Uncle Nathan, Cousins Evan and Ashlyn,

Thank you very much for my outfit - I think I look incredibly cool in it and the red compliments my hair! It's nice and cool for me to wear during these hot days we're having in England, so thank you very much!

love you lots!

Ryan xxx

Ps, This video is of me having the hiccoughs - mummy and daddy were highly entertained by my hiccoughs which lasted a very long time - I wasn't too impressed.

Ryan's Birth Story

On Sunday night I went to bed feeling really off. I couldn't settle or get comfy. I felt so miffed and fed up of being pregnant and heavy, I spent the whole night tossing and turning and being kept awake with Braxton hicks and period pains.
On Monday I guzzled down so much raspberry leaf tea in hope that something would happen - and I felt a lot of lower backache and cramping in my lower bump. Mum came round to dye my hair and cut it and she took one look at me and said "you're in labour, I can see your contractions" I just laughed and thought nothing of it as I'd been having niggles and false alarms for the past 2 or 3 weeks.
Monday night was awful. I could not sleep at all. I started getting contractions in my lower back and bump every 6-7 mins and they got more and more intense. All day on Tuesday I was roaming around, swaying my hips, putting heat sacks on my back and breathing through the contractions. At 6pm, Ross went out to get some snacks for the hospital and as soon as he left my contractions upped a notch. They made me moan and cry out like some sort of animal. The pain was intense and tears streamed down my eyes as I tried to shake off the sting after each contraction. I called Ross and cried "come home, come home, come home!" Ross got home, packed the car, got me in and we went off to hospital.
I was so nervous about going into hospital as I have a huge fear of them. But by this time I was ready. I needed something stronger than a heat sack and paracetamol to deal with the pain!! The drive was horrendous, whenever I had contractions I needed to stand up and walk around or lean onto a wall - in the car I was strapped in so all I could do was grip the sides of my seat and scream.
It was 7pm when I got into the delivery suite. A midwife came and put her hand on my bump during a contraction and gasped, "oh my gosh, that's a huge contraction - you're not being a wimp at all" she said. For some reason this made me feel so much better. She checked me and I was 4cms! I couldn't believe it! I had made it to established labour without pain relief and I didn't have to be sent home!!
By 8pm I was in the birthing pool and it was wonderful to feel the weight taken off me. But I felt such intense pressure in my lower back and it grew with each contraction. The midwife said the baby's head had decended much lower than normal at this point and not even an epidural would take the pressure feeling away. I was sad but didn't want an epidural anyway. I started on the gas and air - which I didn't like at first, it made me feel detached from my body and really woosy. But as the contractions grew more intense and started coming on top of each other, I was sucking on it for dear life!!
This is where everything goes a bit blurry and crazy for me. They changed midwives and the new one didn't want anything to do with me. I suddenly felt this intense pressure turn into pain and wanted to push against it "I want to push!" I moaned for ages. I kept getting told not to push over and over again. It was so hard! At around 10ish I got a high temperature in the pool and passed out, when I came round I was on a bed and Ross was next to me passing me the gas and air. I remember hearing someone screaming and moaning like a wild beast - I didn't dream that it was me!! lol. Now I was out of the pool, the contractions were much much more intense and gas and air wasn't touching the pain at all. It just made me very detached. The midwife checked me and I had only dilated to 5cms!! I could have cried. All the exhaustion was catching up with me and the pain was immense. I just couldn't see myself making it to the end! So the midwife broke my waters to speed things up. She then said "we've got hours of this left - Laura go and walk to the bathroom" I got the gas and air taken away from me, told to get off the bed and walk through these contractions (which now had no break in between them) I went to the bathroom and screamed like a mad woman all the way back. (an older midwife told me off! hehe)
When I got back onto the bed, they gave me pethadine to stop my urge to push but my body gave this almighty lunge and I felt myself pushing without trying! "I'm pushing! I can't stop pushing!" I screamed. The midwife jumped at me and said "that's different, let me check you" she checked and then everything went crazy. She called in another midwife and started rushing around getting things ready at the foot of the bed. "Laura - you're 10 cms" she said to me, I was so out of it on the gas and air and crying from the pain of it all, I just moaned " I want to push!" and the midwife just laughed and said "go on then!" and then I got off the gas and air and sat up.
It was amazing. I could feel the pressure feeling going away with each push and a new pain - a new pressure. I could feel my baby pressing down and passing through. He was so close. The midwives and Ross started shouting "we can see the head! You're doing great! Keep pushing" over and over again. It was like I was a race horse and everyone had placed a bet on me - they were all bobbing their heads and shouting "come on! Come on! Come on! Yes Laura, go! Go! Go!" I felt a rush of adrenaline and new found strength - I could do this!
Three good pushes later and he crowned. "Oh - it's the RING OF FIRE!" I shouted dramatically - the midwives laughed. I remember thinking it was like something from Lord of the Rings. I was scared to push at that point, but feeling the baby's head crowning was too painful not to push! So the next contraction came and I gave a few more good pushes. It was wonderful to see Ross’ face completely light up - he cheered me on and his eyes were so bright "I can his head Laura! I can see his head - you're doing so well!" he cheered and stroked my head. I felt a huge surge of energy and determination to finish the job. So a few more good pushes and out plopped the head - he was turned funny so when his shoulders came out it really, really hurt! Then suddenly, this big, soft, blue baby was flung onto me and I looked down to see a wrinkled little face with these gorgeous blue eyes blinking up at me. "Oh, Oh, oh hello!" was all I could say. The rush of love and devotion was overwhelming. I stoked his head and kissed his squashed nose (it got squished during the birth bless him!) Ross was like a child on christmas day - "hello, hello!" he kept saying and gripped my hand looking overwhelmed. He cut the cord and followed the midwives who took Ryan from me to clean him up. The mw's pulled on the cord and out came the placenta and within mins I was back on the gas and air as they checked to see if I needed any stitches! (which I didn't horray!!)
So I got into hospital at 7pm being 4cms dilated. At 10:55 I was 5cms and then at 11:15 I was pushing! Baby Ryan was born at 11:46pm.
I was the talk of the hospital apparently. No one could believe how quick my labour went and that I had absolutely no complications. It was absolutely amazing and I can't believe I've done it.

Some Family Pictures

Ryan's first photos

Ryan Michael Burton Arrives

I wanted to write up my birth story -but that will have to wait for another day - one where I have had more than 8 hours sleep in 3 days running. But here are the basic facts:

Ryan Michael Burton entered this world in Gloucester's Birthing pool room at 11:46pm on 19th May 2009.

He has strawberry blonde hair - a button nose, chubby cheeks and cute creases along his almond shape eyes. His eyebrows and eyelashes are white blonde and he has the deepest blue eyes you would ever see.

His current activities include; sucking his delicate fingers, looking around at his surrounding, waving his arms and feet and occassionally jumping at every sound.

He is my son . My baby boy. I love him with all my being and Ross and I are in absolute awe at the beautiful creation we have made.

Ryan has come to us at last and he is now sound asleep in the moses basket next to me. Life could not be any better.

Pictures to follow.

A Final Note Before I Pass onto the other side....

Well my little baby boy - you weren't very happy last night were you! I know you hate the contractions and you'd love some more space, so please bare with mummy as her body gets ready to deliver you into this world.

The rain is pouring but the sky is bright. Mummy and Daddy have been awake all night and all day and all night again. We're very tired, I am especially. And -

- contraction -

I can't sleep through the pains I'm having - but I know they are an important part of the labour process. Each pain brings me that bit closer to seeing you, my precious one. Finally I will see you're eyes, you're little nose and mouth - I'll be able to cradle you and kiss your beautiful head. This vision keeps me calm, and almost excited. Although I do apologise for my loud moans during the pains - they can't be helped and I hope they don't scare you.

-contraction -

I feel like I've been in immense pain for days - I suppose I have! It's all in my lower back and the tops of my legs. Back labour is what they call it. Although I do get an intense burning/cramping pain in my lower bump. It's all very intense and one of the most profound experiences of my -

-contraction -

life. Wow. I know my body can do this. I know I will be holding you in my arms later on today - oh

- contraction -

It's getting tricky to type now, there's not much of a gap between the pains and it makes me tremble! I would dearly love some gas and air right now! But Daddy is asleep as he's incredibly tired, so I'll have to wait at least a little while, poor thing is not feeling well from being up all night twice in a row!!

Well, when I write on here again, it will be to introduce my little man to this world. I hope and pray all goes to plan and he is safe and sound.

Laura
xxxx

Go Baby!! Go Baby!! Go Baby!!!

Make Way.....the little King is on his way....!!!!

Been having strong contractions every 5 mins or so since 4:30am this morning!

THIS IS IT.

Induction Fears

The date of my induction looms ahead and It feels like I have a dark cloud over my head. My mind is so mixed up with different emotions that I feel the need to write it all down and do a pro/con list for being induced. So forgive me if this reads as just a lot of ramblings.

Pros:

• I have a date, how organised, how clinical, how predictable!
• It will be a controlled, planned birth - first goes in the gel, then the walking, then the drip, then breaking the waters.... etc etc. I will know roughly what to expect
• I wont have any risk in having my baby at home or not having Ross with me

Cons

• The much imagined frantic telephone call to Ross during work, and all the drama of rushing about and getting to the hospital in time like in the movies goes completely out of the window.
• I will be "rushed" through the contractions and pressured to progress by the clock and to the doctor's standards
• There's nothing "natural" about being induced, I'll have an IV drip, constant monitoring and a lot of medical intervention
• Lots and lots of internals
• Higher risks of fetal distress and ending up having an emergency C-section
• Higher risks of being cut and having a ventrous/forceps delivery
• The pain is supposed to be more intense - and they reccommend having an epidural, something I didn't want!

I can't believe I am actually having to think about the prospect of an induction being a reality. I had imagined going into the birthing unit, being free to move about, not having IVs and electrical equiptment all over the place, being taken care of by female midwives...I just imagined something so much more natural and calming for me. Hospitals (apart from cemeteries) freak me out more than anywhere.

I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. Don't really know what else to write! I'll just keep begging and pleading Heavenly Father not to make me go through that experience - after such a gruelling pregnancy (where alas the sickness returned a few weeks ago) and a long one at that - I thought it would only be fair to have a somewhat normal delivery. All the false alarms, the niggles, the "this might be it" and no. It all stops and I'm in absolute agony in my lower back, legs, hips and bump from carrying such a big baby all this time! My baby boy is so special to me and I am fighting tooth and nail to get him here. I just hope he does his part - you'd think with his history that he'd be keen to come here. But maybe he's like his mummy and is weighing up the pros and cons as well.

Well I shall continue to gulp down the Raspberry Leaf Tea by the gallon (yuck) and bounce on my bouncey ball thing. I've come to the end. How I'll make it to Thursday I'll never know. Please baby, please come out. :(

Megan Susan Judith Szabo has arrived!

Carla gave birth to baby Megan early this afternoon, weighing a healthy 8lbs 5 ounces and looking the absolute image of Gabor! Her hair is very light - Carla thinks it's strawberry blonde - and she has such cute pouty lips!

Oh and so much for that midwife saying "she's short and chunky" little Megan is long and slender! She's all arms and legs and the most laid back little thing in the world!

well it's official, I'm now the last to hold my baby and I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little sad. I hope my baby hasn't rejected me or decided he's never coming out. :(

On a lighter note - Carla's experience was great, she did it all with just gas and air - so it gives me hope that the whole labour thing is "doable" lol.

Happy Birthday Megan! xxx

I'm losing the will to live!!

1. Insomnia - I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep!
2. Frequent Bathroom Trips - Baby's weight and pressure builds every day
3. Migranes - Dehydration? Tiredness? Hormones?
4. Nausea - Return of the sickness!
5. SPD - the YEOUCH I just tried to lift my leg and really regret it!
6. Period Cramps - Braxton Hicks
7. Intense Back pain - from baby lying back to back
8. Bruised Ribs - from baby's feet
9. Inflamed uterus - from constant kicking
10. Sciatica - Can I say? "Ouch!"
11. Leaking colostrum - Oh no! I was supposed to feed my baby with that! and....eww!
12. Poking out tummy button - Baby, stop playing with it!!
13. Alien baby visuals - Wow, an impression of a foot - that was a hand...he's trying to stretch out!
14. Absent mindedness - What was I saying again??
15. Dizzyness and difficulty to focus - due to tiredness and lack of oxygen me thinks
16. Deep Stretch marks -with crevices so deep they could give the Grand Canyon a run for its money!
17. Cramps in the legs - ouch! Ouch! OUCH!
18. Hot Flushes - *In bed: Laura: "Ross, put the fan on, it's boiling!!" - a shivering Ross sadly switches on the fan and huddles up in the duvet - 5 mins later - "Ross, it's freezing! Turn the fan off!"*
19. Hormonal surges - Sobbing my heart out at the Persil adverts on TV
20. Feeling and looking fat - Yes, now I can say, I'm "Big and Pregnant" but pretty soon, I'll just be Big. :(

Oh the joys of being OVERDUE.

I hate to moan, but it's shortly after 8am and I've already been up for 3.5hrs. Not fun.

.....I want my baby! :(

My Baby countdown timer has run out!!!

DRRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

Baby! You're ready!! Come out!!! What are you waiting for eh???? YOU'RE DONE!!!!

Been bouncing/rocking on my bouncy ball all day and I've been feeling some mild pains every 10 mins or so, but I don't know whether its just due to being on the ball for ages! If this is the real thing, the pains will only get worse wont they?? We'll see!!

It's a full moon tonight ooooooooh!!!! lol. Maybe little Baby Burton is waiting for the moon to come out!!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee come out baby!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Firstly, Happy Due Date to me!! Happy Due Date toooo mee!! HAPPY DUE DATE to LAURA!!! Happy Due Date to meee!!!!

I know the doctors officially wrote my due date down as the 9th, but the sonographer said I was okay to go by my original date (7th) because it was so close and scans can be out by a few days etc etc. SO, this is my secret due date. And I've reached it. What, may I ask, is THAT all about??

I had a midwife appointment yesterday - she offered me a sweep for next time!! I was like, "erm, we'll see how desperate I'm feeling when we get there". I'm all for internals when I'm writhing around in pain and having no care in the world as to where I am or whats happening - but no way am I letting someone do THAT to me while I'm in my right state of mind!!!

Still, like I said, we'll see how desperate I am. If I make it that far, I might as well shout at the midwife to go ahead and break my waters too if she wants to! GET THIS BABY OUT!!!

But guess what folks?? MORE BAD NEWS!!! :( Midwife dramatically exclaimed that "oh no! The baby is lying BACK TO BACK!!) So all those pointy jabby body parts that keep coming out of my are not heels and elbows....they are hands and feet!! She got the other midwife to come over and the two of them stood and "ooh"-ed and "aaah"ed and my bump as baby - as if knowing he was on show - decided to make several strange shapes and movements...the midwife said "It's beautiful really, you can really see how he's laying".

BUT the midwife was insistant that I get him to move to Back to Bump. Problem is, I know when he turned, it was a couple of weeks ago when I thought I was in labour. The bone against bone grinding, the heavy period type pains, oh my goodness I ddin't want to have to go through that again!! But oh boy, last night I did!!

I went out and bought an excercise ball and bounced on it, rocked my hips, leant on it and eventually collapsed over it like a sloth. I spent the night watching Friends on my hands and knees. I was on my hands and knees in bed, rocking my hips and swaying to get this little one to move. Ross was gently putting pressure on the side of my bump to encourage baby to settle in a different position. After about an hour of "oooh ouch....oohhh it hurts" and feeling like I was going to die of exhaustion - I finally gave up and led down on my side. That's when the pain REALLY kicked in. Baby had managed to move half way round and so he was all elbows, hands, knees and SHOULDERS. He squirmed and wriggled and tried to keep moving around but gravity wouldn't let him while I was on my side. So up I got again on my hands and knees. The SPD was a killer! What with his head rubbing against me and causing me so much pain. He rolled over and suddenly I felt just a long hard mound of baby - so relieved, I went back to bed, fell asleep and then proceeded to wake up wincing in pain at regular intervals during the night.

I wasn't sure what was happening. I was just too tired to care. I thought it was the start of things and thought it was good as he'd moved. But no, the pains eventually died away and once again I have strange pointy shapes coming out of me and I have the same old back pain I had yesterday. He moved back while I was asleep!!!

SOooo what does it mean if I go into labour?? A prolonged labour, difficult delivery and increased chances of needing forceps/ventrose because baby will be facing up and not down - this is apparently not natural and much more difficult for the baby to come out.

So it's another day of bouncing on the ball and watching TV on my hands and knees....but I don't know WHAT i'm going to do should I go into labour, because after all that I'm insanely tired. I'd never have the energy to push him out anyway!!

Still, the thing that spurs me on is the knowledge that I do NOT want a C-section. So I must avoid one at all costs!!!

We'll see what happens folks.

Laura
xxx

It's May!

Well, I suppose it is comforting to know that whatever happens, I will be having my baby this month! (Although Ross and I do hope and pray that I will go into labour naturally with no need for a sweep or being induced!)

I was up in the early hours yesterday with contraction pains - again. These ones felt like the real deal too - but lo and behold, by late afternoon the pains just stopped again. I'm a bit miffed. I'm like a car engine trying to turn over. One day my body will suddenly go into full blown labour and I wont know what's hit me!! ha.

On a rubbishy note: I think I'm coming down with a cold! I'm all sniffly and keep sneezing and coughing - not a cool thing to deal with so close to an imminent birth! Never mind eh? Let's just hope it's not "swine Flu". And can I just say how silly I feel for asking why on Earth everyone is so worried about pigs all of a sudden??! lol. I thought a "swine" was a type of bird!! oh dear...

Well I need to get dressed for the day. Hopefully things will happen soon, oh my goodness - I just saw my baby's foot poking out of my tummy! Wow. I'm in complete awe. Baby, you're really in there!! :)