I'm like a continously hungry, whale-sized animal caged behind bars....ISOLATION MAN!!

Please wait, while I pop into the kitchen to grab myself a nice bag of Wheat Crunchies *ooh spicy tomato flavour!*

Right, well hippo Laura here. Plonked on the sofa in the darkening lounge of 22 Kinloss Drive. I wish I had some exciting news to share about my fantastic adventure out to the woods or my 20mile run around the town....or my terribly exciting encounter with several angry cats all hissing and ready to kill me as I ran through the streets, guns in hand - shooting at the massive dinosour charging my way....but nooo I have been doing, ahem, nothing. That's right. Nada. Nichts. NOTHING.

Okay, so some of you will be like, "Laura, what are you talking about? You're doing loads! You're feeding, nourishing, caring and carrying your growing baby inside of you! You're looking after yourself and your husband! You're preparing for the biggest change of your life!". BOO. You don't understand.

But that's okay. I don't need to be understood. I just need to be loved. I'm a woman on a rampage of hormones at the moment and coming to terms with my ever growing bump and changing body. I have no sleeping pattern, no comfort of any kind, no proper mental stimulation, no face-to-face interaction with people and no control over anything - ANYTHING anymore!! *Dare say "welcome to motherhood" and I will shoot you with a glare so steely you're eyeballs will pop out*

I - Want - To - Scream.

Oh no.


Wait for it.


HORMONE SURGE.


<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>

Seriously. I've spent the last 5 hours working on the laptop, trying - TRYING - to find this blummin' Anti Virus 360 malware which has embedded itself into the computer so deeply that even manually destroying the files and registry keys - THEY KEEP REGNERATING. WHy? WHY? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?? I used to be grate at locating hidden files, deleting those awful viruses and clearing the computer. But nooooo not this time. This time I am as useful as a sponge to carry water....

The lonliness. The iscolation. The bitter silence in this house is KILLING ME. And yet, don't visit me because I can't - CAN'T have people round. The stress seems to make my blood pressure sky rocket and I start getting contractions at the mere thought of having to entertain guests? Why? I hear you cry! Well this house has been a hotel for the longest time that I think I have well and truly LOST IT. That's right!! GET OUT, STAY OUT, LEAVE THE HEAVILY PREGNANT WOMAN BE!!!

I clean the house to the point where it is "immaculate", I cook for guests, I prepare the bedding, I fold the towels, I scrub the toilets, I leave the little mints on their beds just to add that "special touch". Do I get any credit for this? NO. "Thanks Ross. Great food." my goodness? Did I just hear that? "We stayed at Ross' house" ROSS' House???? ROSS AND LAURA'S HOUSE!!!!

I demand a bit of recognition! I WILL not be the silent, submissive housewife who does all the work and then lets her husband get all the credit and recognition for it! IT WAS TEAMWORK. Ross does the man stuff, I do the rest. But do people care? NOPE.

I am absolutely sick of everything right now. To the point where I am seething about - well everything. I get told off for carrying a book case and desk into another room! WHY. I get patronised, told to "slow down" and "take it easy" and WHEN I DO I GET TOLD - "Oh Laura, you have FAR too much time on your hands!!!" YES I KNOW, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN.

There is no winning. There is no, "well done, good job" or just "keep going, you're doing well". NO, no, no, nothing like that. No one CARES.

I Pledge for all those hormonal, heavily pregnant women out there: that we stand and demand some RESPECT, some LOVE, some KINDNESS and some HUMOUR back into our lives. We WILL not be WHALES forever!! In fact, I pledge that a law be passed saying it is illegal to speak to a pregnant woman unless it is with complete sincerity and kindness!! We have a heck of a lot to cope with and IT IS NOT EASY.

- Hormone dips -

*bursts into tears* 71 days to go....please come early.....

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

1. Are you sure you're pregnant?
2. Woah! I thought you were just getting fat!
3. You're pregnant! Congratulations! I had a miscarriage....but I'm sure you'll be fine
4. Aren't you worried hun? You're looking a bit small....
5. Are you really sure there's a baby in there?
6. So are you ready to pop yet?
7. Wow, I bet you have loads of stretchmarks now...
8. I loved being pregnant....oh but the labour!! Still makes me shudder!!
9. Your body will never be the same now...
10. You're finally "blooming" then
11. Oh, I can totally see you're pregnant now.....yeah it's all in your face...real chubby!
12. Aw pregnancy, yes it's great, except for the leaking boobs, piles, constipation, weak bladder....
13. Oh my gosh, my labour was so painful I wanted to end my life!
14. Having a baby is SO gross
15. My partner never looked at me the same way since he saw me give birth...
16. Oh I bet you're really fed up of being pregnant now!
17. You look awful! How do you feel?
18. I hated being pregnant - and the birth! Ugh, never again.
19. Don't give birth in hospital, they WILL mess up your stitches!
20. I gave birth in the toilet!
21. I went into hospital being my waters went....turned out I'd just wet myself!
22. My sister's, best friend's auntie had a stillbirth...not to worry you or anything
23. I used to have a friend....but then she had her baby and got boring
24. Ugh, I can't stand people who go on about their babies
25. You're swelling up a bit - aren't you worried?
26. Oh my gosh, what if your baby comes out a ginger??
27. Pregnant women freak me out
28. Wow, you're baby is gonna be HUGE
29. Don't you worry about your baby growing up to resent you?
30. Do you really think you're ready to be a parent?
    

All ligit things which have been said to me.

Baby - would you mind Putting your bottom back in please?

There's clearly less room in there for baby to move and kick. It feels like he's wedged somewhat transverse, with his head ever so slightly lower than his bottom - which he's decided to stick out of my belly, making my bump look very odd indeed!!

Ooh I am sore! All my muscles are working extra hard to carry the weight of my growing bump. I'm kind of surprised though, I would have thought that I'd have put on more weight by now and look bigger - but I'm actually still smaller than your average 30 week joe. Guess I'll put it down to being tall, as some websites talk about woman who are taller tend to have smaller bumps.

Anyways, I'm excited about baby coming now. In fact, I'm feeling really impatient now. My fear of the birth is diminishing with each day as I get bigger and more sore and achey and fed up of being pregnant. Been reading more birth stories and trying to get a good idea what to expect. Thing is, I can't find many stories about women giving birth in a birthing centre!! Carla has decided to give birth in the delivery suite in hospital - Gemma will give birth in a plush private room in hospital in USA and I've decided that I want to have a go in the birthing unit. Honestly, If they'd let me, I'd have this little guy at home. So it's a happy medium I suppose!

Okay so I'm compiling a list of things I need for baby:

Changing table/dresser
Changing mat and bag
Baby bath/towels and accesories
Baby Monitors
Cot (We have a crib for the first 3-6 months though)
Newborn size 1 nappies (have a pack of 100 newborn size 2)
Blessing outfit
Baby oils/lotions and bubble bath
Moses Basket
Bouncer/Rocker
Teethers/toys
Soft cuddlies

It's actually quite scary to think how much we still need with just a couple of months to go now - has anyone noticed that you have to pay a premium for baby stuff? It's so ridiculous! Ebay doesn't seem to be much help either at the mo. The credit crunch is certainly making ebay more popular!!

Okay now I'm completely absent-minded. lol. Ross will be home soon and the house is a mess. Oh dear. I forgot to renew my prescription for my anti-nausea tablets and whilst I've only been sick once today - I've been feeling absolutely dreadful!!

Oh well, hopefully I'll get some more tomorrow.

Laura

Breathe Slow, Count From 1 - 10 with my eyes closed...

I am taking a few moments to gather my thoughts and just breathe. This past week has been horrendous and wonderful in many ways really. It looks like this:

Wednesday: Midwife visit where I was supposed to have my bloods done and anti-D jab. Ended up being prodded and stabbed only to have them stab a ligament causing blood to go everywhere.

Thursday: Walked to doctor's surgery to have Blood taken, ended up having them use the largest needle they had and use a thing to suck the blood out. Suringe?? (Sp?) Got home, threw up and passed out. Then I spring-cleaned the house, did two loads of washing, made a lasagne for when ross came home and went out shopping.

Friday: More washing, prepared the beds for Alan+Jeris and boys coming over. Organised baby things. More tidying. Cleaning bathrooms. wrote 10 poems for women on Bounty for Valentines' Day.

Saturday: Woke up early, cleaned kitchen -again, more washing, got ready to go out, went to the cinema, did a big food shop in Asda, ate at Pizza hut, last minute cleaning and tidying for Alan,Jeris+ co coming over.

Sunday: Church, got home, prepared a beef roast dinner, had Neil, Kirstie and kids over for tea. When they left, cleaned kitchen, tidied lounge and organised house in preperation for Alan to arrive late that night. Spoke to Alan and Jeris for a few hours, offered food, cleaned kitchen again. Bed!

Monday: Boys running up and down stairs and banging on walls from 5:30am. Finally got out of my bedroom at 10. got breakfast, filled dishwasher (as all cups and plates were dirty already and rubbish everywhere) got dressed and ready for the day. Called family to see what they were doing. No one was in. Put on two more washes and cleaned bathrooms. Took boys out to the play park. Made sandwiches for everyone. Cleaned kitchen, yet again. Made tea for boys and Jeris. Ross got home, got Alan some tea. Got ready for going out with Ross (it was our Anniversay) waited for Ross' G'pa to come over, had to find him as he got lost, had a short visit with him. Went out to Cheltenham, found out our Indian resturaunt (where we had our first date) has shut down. Went to Frankie and Benny's instead. Got home. Finally had a relaxing night in with Ross.

Tuesday: Woke up early. had Anti-D jab done. felt sick and dizzy. Made sandwiches. More washing done. Cleaned bathrooms and hoovered the house. Tidied bedroom and changed sheets. Made a beef stew for Ross, Carla, Gabor and I. Made a triffle too. had dinner with Carla and Gabor. Went over to Gemma and Nathan's. Did some food shopping. Got home, went to bed.

Wednesday: 6:00am wake up. Felt braxton hicks. Met at Gemma and Nathan's at 6:20, waited in the car while Ross helped pack the cars. Felt more braxton hicks and very tense. Ate some donuts. lol. Got to airport, stood around for a long time. Braxton hicks started getting painful. Each one was more intense than the first. Felt over-heated and very very faint. Then I started having contractions, a very intense pressure feeling down low and had to start breathing through the pains. Had to quickly say goodbye to Gemma and Nathan. Ross carried me to the car. Started getting frightened as the pains were terrible and regular. By the time we got back to Gloucester, the pains and tightenings had gone. Went to bed. stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

Thursday: Was on bed rest. But felt well enough to go out to walk to Tesco and get some food in for tea. Carried potatoes and cans of pop back - very heavy! Had pains again. Felt stressed about everything and tried to calm down.

Friday: (Today) Got to clean the house as it is an absolute TIP again. wash bathrooms, prepare bedroom for Andy (Ross' brother) staying over. Cook a shepherds pie. Put on a wash for weekend. Make up two trays of sandwiches for tomorrow. Go food shopping.

Saturday: (Tomorrow) 8am - Guys start arriving to work on Audi. They're working on the car all day tomorrow hoping to get it on the road. I need to prepare a buffet for lunch. Get them drinks etc. Having a curry in the evening.

I really feel like I need some TLC and a good rest. But it just keeps going on and on and on. The stress of it all is so overwhelming and it's like people have forgotten that I'm in my 3rd trimester now and I need to slow down.

Phew. I guess I'll just have to get through it. Nothing I can do about it really. :(

Well I've had my rant, so I'll get started on my list of things to do today.

Laura

Anti-D SUCKS. Beef Stew ROCKS.

Wow what an eventful day! Not entirely sure where to start. Had an oh so relaxing anniversary dinner at Frankie and Benny's last night (got 25% discount too because the lady noticed I was pregnant - how nice of her!) We weren't going to do pressies, just cards. But Ross couldn't resist and bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers!! Then he slipped out a little silver box from his pocket and grinning like a cheshire cat he passed it to me. White gold, pearl and dimond drop earrings. Beautiful !! I love them so much! Lol I immediately said "oh, are they real?" lol and Ross' said "are they heck! of course they are....white gold, real freshwater pearls and yes the dimonds are real too!!"

So I woke up in a really good mood this morning. Completely forgetting that I had the dreaded Anti-D jab today!! After munching on some chocolates (kindly given to us by Mum and Dad - THANK YOU!!) I logged onto Facebook to see that OH-NO! Gemma has beaten my all time best score on Word Challenge. Why. WHy. WHY??!!! Was absolutely furious. The ONE thing I was supposed to excel at. The only area in my life that I was supposed to be the better one at!!! But Noooo - Gem, you just have to beat me at EVERYTHING!!! Ross finds it immensly funny and just thinks its healthy for me to have someone to challenge me. humpf.

Anyways, got super excited when I logged onto Bounty today - saw an interesting thread in the forums from the Bounty staff looking for New mums to take part in a case study where they write an online journal about how internet helps them in their motherly duties and their experiences. Immediately signed up for that. How exciting it would be to share my journey with the WORLD. Okay, maybe not the whole world, but I'd love to write something fun for a bit of comic relief, or supporting mothers out there who find it all a bit hard sometimes.

We'll just see what happens there.

Anyways, went to have my Anti-D jab today. Ross came with me to hold me hand. "aww how nice" I hear you say! Well the experience was absolutely AWFUL. We got in, the normal midwife was writing in my notes and a student nurse was sat next to her looking at me with keen eyes. I was asked the usual questions "how are you feeling?", "anything you'd like to ask?" blah blah. I expressed my concern about the jab, wondering how badly it will hurt. This was my reply.

"oh, the jab really, really hurts. It's very bad".

This helps me HOW???!!! I wasn't so flipping nervous until then. I was like "GET ME OUT OF HERE" I just looked at Ross with wide eyes and felt the room spin all of a sudden. How, HOW, HOW do they think they were helping??

Then the STUDENT nurse says "I'll be admistering the jab, if that's okay with you?"
"Erm, okay" - me.
Great. The midwife then talks her through the process - oh no, has she not done it before?

"Now you'll have to put the needle in quite deep - " then I feel an intense burn/pressure in my arm
".....that's it, all the way in" - I see Ross' eyes widen as he watches the process. The burning, pressure feeling gets stronger.....
"now slowly push the solution in" - hot, hot HOT feeling, my arm is dying, it is being beaten alive SOME ONE HELP ME!! - all this was going in my mind as the woman had that darn needle in me for at least 2 minutes! With pure annoyance I remain still, determined not to flinch or cry or scream.
"now good, slowly draw the needle out" - please no, not slowly - OUCH that hurts! - good grief how long is that needle???

When I got home, my arm felt like someone hit it with a very big weight. Not only do I have a bruise the size of a tennis ball on my arm from the insane blood test, I also have the tiniest red mark where this almighty needle took residence for a longer than needed period of time. I had something to eat, sat down and felt like my head was no longer part of my body. Wooah, the room was turning from one side to the other. My arm felt heavier and heavier and so did my head. I felt sick to my stomach and proper poorly!

After an hour, I began to feel better. Baby started rolling around again and I was suddenly wondering was the fuss was about.

If any poor girl asks me "what does the Anti-D jab feel like" I will NOT reply with a stupid, "It really hurts," I shall simply say : "Stay very still, relax your muscle and focus on something. becuase it feels like a lot of pressure in your arm and hot." At least you can do something with that. How are you supposed to deal with "It just really hurts". huh.

Anyways so then I decided to clean the kitchen. As you do when a massive nesting urge kicks in. Then I put a wash on. Folded the towels. Made the bed. Tidied the lounge. Then I decided to look up making a nice beef stew!!

So then I set about preparing all the ingredients, chopping potatoes, onions, carrots, beef, garlic....mmmm mixed a lot of gravy, thickened with flour...threw it all in the slow cooker and hey presto! It's only been in for 2 hours and already the house is filled with gorgeous aromas of Beef stew!!! Mmmm comfort food!!

Oh and then I decided to arrange my flowers and set them up properly. so they look very pretty now.

Wow so what a day eh? Definitely one for the diary.

Laura
xxxx

An Interesting Opportunity

I received an email from one of the ladies who I wrote a poem for, she owns a business in making personalised baby clothing - and she wants to put me and my business on her website!!


"If you email me over some of those poems for the children as examples i can set them up on my web page for you. I can give you a whole page on the site (www.topofthetotsltd.co.uk) with your email address/phone number/details about you etc on there so if anyone wants to order them they can go direct through to you."

I'll need to take a few days to think about the logistics and write some examples to be put on the site, but I'm very excited by the prospect and It certainly would prove to be a blessing from Heavenly Father to help us financially. I need to do some homework too, like how much people would be happy to spend, what they'd expect to see, how the presentation should be, if it's more appropriate to have the poems printed in a Card or framed as a gift - or both! It's exciting and I'm probably mad for going into this with just 3 months to go til the biggest change of my life takes place, but I see this as a huge opportunity and why not take it??

Laura

Ps, HAPPY VALENTINES' DAY! xxx

10 poems in 6 hours....phwoar good going Laura!!

I advertised my "personalised poetry" skills on the bounty website for women who wanted to give their partner some extra special for Valentines' Day. I said that seeing as it's short notice and I'll just send the poems by email, I will offer to do anyone a poem for FREE. But I gave the ladies on there from 4:30 - 6pm to let me know if they wanted one.

Then the emails just kept on coming! I wish that I charged now! lol I was working flat out to write all these poems before it got too late. Ross got home to see me tirelessly working on the laptop feeling exhilerated, exhausted and stressed - but in a good way.

It was such an amazing experience. Some women really opened up and told me about the real hardships they have been through and how grateful they were to their husband for his support. Oh it was lovely.

Thankfully no one emailed with requests after 6pm (but one got in with an email at 5:59!!) I wrote 10 poems in all and received such lovely responses from the women.

Just my little piece of charity for one day. But now the word is out....I'll be charging next time!!

Laura
xxx

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been beaten repeatedly with a baseball bat

Yet again, I woke up this morning feeling more tired and exhausted than when I went to bed! What is this all about??

My head is pounding, my arms and legs feel heavy, my bump is all sore and my back is in agony. The only part of me that I'm not feeling any pain is my chin. *wiggles jaw* hmm, and that might not be the case either...

BABY kept me awake for much of the night, he was kicking and rolling and punching and I'm sure he managed to get in a few star jumps in there... then he had the hiccoughs and then he started shaking about like he was having some sort of hyper fit. That is IT. No more hot chocolates just before bed. It's never a good idea.

Oh and PILLOWS. I have 3 now, one for under my head, one between my knees and one for my bump/back. It's the only way I finally fall asleep and if my bump so much as TOUCHES the matress, baby floats down to it immediately and starts kicking it vicously. (stop it baby, the matress is your friend...)

And again, 6:30 came along and he was up to his old tricks waking me up again. I think I'm going to find this baby exhausting when he comes out. Carla says her baby is nice and calm and she only feels prods and pokes every now and then. Girly babies seem SO much different to boys!! Well, even Evan was sleeping soundly through the night as a newborn. WHY oh WHY does my baby have to be hyperactive and transverse!! (you just don't know how painful it can be to have the baby laying ACROSS your bump unless you've experienced it)

Gahhh.

Also realised something else, was going to have Alan, Jeris & Co. staying with us Monday-Tuesday when I just looked at the calander and groaned to Ross "oh no, Monday is our 1st year Anniversary". Ross' eyes popped out and he proceeded to say "nope, no way, we can't, we CAN'T have them over monday!!" Soooo what to do? What to do?? Usually we just sacrifice whatever we had planned and always say "well it's special circumstance" but surely, SURELY, we should take the selfish necessary evil route and put our Anniversary first. I mean, seriously.

We'll think of something I suppose. Anyways I'm getting hungry so I'm off for a bite to eat and then I should get myself washed and dressed in prep for a big cleaning frenzy.

Laura
xxx

Spiralling Downwards

I had the most vivid dream last night. It was weird, while I was having it, I knew something wasn't quite right, but I still believed it was real.

I dreamt that I woke up with a gorgeous baby boy laying in a crib next to me. Ross and I were staying at the Temple with family and I kept asking Ross "what happend during the labour?? Did I give birth? I don't remember anything at all" and Ross smiled and said "oh, it was so awful, you don't want to remember - but just look at our little man!" and he scooped this little baby up in his arms and kissed his forehead. I felt a blissful smile pass my lips and I sighed with content.

Then I did a session in the Temple and was just coming out and I asked my mum and Carla "do you think it's strange that I don't remember giving birth?" and Mum shook her head replying with "oh no, it was such a horrific event that your brain repressed the memory".

I should have thought it was weird that Carla wasn't pregnant and there was no sign of her having a baby so I should have known it was just a dream. But it felt so...real!

Then I was back in the accomodation room with Ross who was asleep on the bed with our baby boy laying on his chest. Then the baby started to cry and I thought I should probably try to feed him as I had no recollection of trying to feed him.

He opened his blue eyes and to my surprise I saw that as he opened his mouth he had 3 little teeth - this scared me for some reason. I found feeding him really painful and difficult and I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to do it with teeth biting me!!

It felt like days passed, I changed his nappies, I could smell his sweet scent and feel his warm body wriggling around against me. But the dream started to fade and slowly I began to wake up.

Confused beyond belief and feeling more tired than I was when I went to sleep, I got ready to have my bloods taken. I felt an odd feeling of loss and sadness, I almost wanted to search the house for my baby.

*shakes self* anyways, enough of that. It was a dream. and hopefully my baby wont have teeth when he's born!!

I can not express in words the anguish I feel at having to adjust to all the changes at the moment. It's pure selfishness and I should be happy for Gemma and Nathan making the bold step to go to America. I can't make them stay. I can't keep things the same. It shouldn't be like that anyway. But the sadness is overwhelming and physically painful. A constant ache in my heart and everflowing tears falling down my cheeks. I feel like Beth from Little Women who feels like she's always being left behind. Ross says it's because I never leave. True I guess.

I had my bloods done today - they had to wriggle around a bit and I have a much larger bruise on my arm today and was sick as soon as I walked in through the door. Then I proceeded to have a head rush and landed on the floor - I don't know how long I was there for but I felt incredibly rotten. I keep getting tight feelings in my bump and I'm overwhelmingly stressed and down.

I just feel like I've no control anymore and all these things are happening around me and I have to adapt and change. Hormones aren't helping either.

Well I'm off for a nap - the kitchen is a mess but I just can't face it at the moment. I'm trying to stay calm so I don't end up really stressed and going into early labour.

I haven't felt my baby kick much today though, and I miss him. :(

Laura

Well I'm back at it was a total disaster!!!

Midwife did the usual; blood pressure, pulse, urine sample check and listening to the heart beat....all okay, except baby has moved back into transverse position but apparently that's OK because there's still loads of room for him to move down.

Then she tried to find a vein for the bloods.....couldn't find one. I clenched my fist as much and as hard as I could but no veins came up.....then the mw jabbed a needle into my arm and pierced a ligament thinking it might be a vein. Now my arm is in total agony.

Got to go back tomorrow for blood tests done by someone more professional.
And no Anti-D today as they have to give it to me after I've done my bloods.
So I'm in pain, tired, hungry from not eating all day due to nervousness and I have to go through it all again tomorrow and go back for the Anti-D on tuesday!!

AAARGH!!

"Oh Hello Panic Attacks - It's been a while eh?"

Heart palpatations, sweaty palms, rapid breathing and a crushing feeling on my chest like I'm about to be crushed to death or passs out. These symptoms are familiar to me and I can not believe that with all I've had to worry about these past few months, I am getting them NOW over some stupid little (or not so little but actually huge and really stingy) JAB.

I think it's the fear of the unknown. I'm not so much worried about the blood tests - despite never having a good experience with them - but I know that it'll hurt and I know HOW it'll feel and how long it'll take. I'm just so nervous about this Anti-D jab.

I point blank refused to have the TB jab for the simple reason that I find it hard enough to deal with having a flu jab, anything bigger is simply just too much for me to cope with and I would rather take my chances.

I WISH there was a way you could test the baby's blood while you're still pregnant - then I'd pray day and night that my baby had my EXACT blood type and there'd be no need for such a jab to be stabbed into my flimsy arm. It's not that I'm not afraid of the pain, I don't care if it hurts a lot AFTERWARDS. It's just dealing with it nicely and putting on a "oh this doesn't hurt at all" face in front of the Midwives. Plus, I feel like I have to be brave because Ross is insisting he comes in with me to hold my hand - but his face paled and he nearly passed out during the last time they took my blood.

My battleplan:

DRINK DRINK DRINK
Try my very best to relax my muscles so it wont hurt so much
Have a blessing
or two.
Organise a prize. lol like a nice McFlurry afterwards

I can not believe how worked up I'm getting here. Ugh. Breeaaathee.

These silly hormones just don't help either. I've had a nasty "return of the sickness". Not due to stopping my tablets either. I'm still on them. I feel like I did when I was 16 weeks pregnant - mortally sick in the morning and having to eat very quickly to fight back the feeling. I just feel Sick. sick. sick. siiiiiiiick. The worry isn't going to help, being nevous can make you sick to the stomach and maybe I'll feel tonnes better tonight, but there's always something worrying me at the moment.

My worries:

1. Anti-D jab
2. Blood test
3. Being measured (I don't like it how low down they go!)
4. Fear of getting poorly
5. Fear of Ross getting poorly
6. Making sure everything is clean and ready for Alan and Jeris to come over
7. Ross getting in a car crash
8. Ross losing his job
9. Going into preterm labour
10. Not having everything ready for baby - haven't even washed his clothes!

Those are the top 10. So at least the first 3 will be gone after today. Although I have an irrational fear that I will have a bad reaction to the Anti-D and die/have C-section to save baby/spend days in hospital...etc...etc

I have a serious case of hypocrondria at the moment. I'm so paranoid that something - something - will go wrong! I don't want anymore shocks, no more bad news about the economy and how the world is coming to an end, no more sickness and uncertainty about the future. No more good byes!!!

Breathe.

I know most people would keep such thoughts to themselves, and many more wouldn't even dream of mentioning them in their blog. But this is how I deal with my emotions. I write them down. I dramatise them and then read back and see the funny side. It's like my metaphoric punch bag.

Phew. I WILL feel better. I WILL get through.

And when I do, I shall post a much happier, more positive note.

Laura

The house is clean, the washing is done......now what??

Ugh, went to bed at about 2am last night - Ross' brother was staying over so he could get to Cardiff in the morning and he didn't arrive til about 12am - then of course Ross wanted to show him his sound system and talk about cars/work/guy stuff. lol.

Finally I was nestled in bed and ready to plop off to sleep when my little boy decided to be wide awake and roll around over and over and over. He really doesn't like it when I lay on my side - he wriggles down to the matress and starts attacking it viciously. Perhaps he likes the excercise? All I know is he kept me awake for ages until I was just too tired to be bothered!

THEN I get a real bootin' at 6:30am - he's been doing this consistantly for the past 2 weeks. Always when Ross goes to work...he starts bouncing around. Then he settled down at about 8ish and I got some more shut eye. Then he was awake at 11ish and went quiet at 12:30, now he's been awake since 2 and still kicking!

It's the oddest sensation, he doesn't just nudge me or poke me or just "kick" he full on army rolls around in there - crawling like a crab to one side of my tummy to the other, and swimming down low or climbing back up. Or he just simple spins around sticking out his little bottom so a massive mound is coming out of my tummy alien-style.

As Ross said to me last night "Baby is fun now! He's got his own little routine and a very strong character." I guess I'll have to get used to this routine he's gotten into as many books mention baby's staying in that sleep pattern after birth. I just hope he's not so violent in his movements otherwise I can see him causing the swinging crib to fall over on it's side!

Sometimes I simply can not wait to meet this little boy. It's so exciting as my bump grows and baby becomes more responsive. Although he's a little on the small side for his weeks he is a couple of weeks ahead development wise - so try figuring that one out!!

Other times I think "no, no, no stay inside!!" because too many people have gone on about this "unbareable pain of childbirth" and it knocks my confidence off. I agree that it's good to be mentally prepared and learn techniques for staying calm, but part of me wishes I didn't know what will happen! Still too late to worry about it now!!

Anyways I've rambled on enough I suppose - ha baby must agree, he's been quiet now for the last 10 mins, so I think he's having another nap.

Laura
xxx