Spiralling Downwards

I had the most vivid dream last night. It was weird, while I was having it, I knew something wasn't quite right, but I still believed it was real.

I dreamt that I woke up with a gorgeous baby boy laying in a crib next to me. Ross and I were staying at the Temple with family and I kept asking Ross "what happend during the labour?? Did I give birth? I don't remember anything at all" and Ross smiled and said "oh, it was so awful, you don't want to remember - but just look at our little man!" and he scooped this little baby up in his arms and kissed his forehead. I felt a blissful smile pass my lips and I sighed with content.

Then I did a session in the Temple and was just coming out and I asked my mum and Carla "do you think it's strange that I don't remember giving birth?" and Mum shook her head replying with "oh no, it was such a horrific event that your brain repressed the memory".

I should have thought it was weird that Carla wasn't pregnant and there was no sign of her having a baby so I should have known it was just a dream. But it felt so...real!

Then I was back in the accomodation room with Ross who was asleep on the bed with our baby boy laying on his chest. Then the baby started to cry and I thought I should probably try to feed him as I had no recollection of trying to feed him.

He opened his blue eyes and to my surprise I saw that as he opened his mouth he had 3 little teeth - this scared me for some reason. I found feeding him really painful and difficult and I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to do it with teeth biting me!!

It felt like days passed, I changed his nappies, I could smell his sweet scent and feel his warm body wriggling around against me. But the dream started to fade and slowly I began to wake up.

Confused beyond belief and feeling more tired than I was when I went to sleep, I got ready to have my bloods taken. I felt an odd feeling of loss and sadness, I almost wanted to search the house for my baby.

*shakes self* anyways, enough of that. It was a dream. and hopefully my baby wont have teeth when he's born!!

I can not express in words the anguish I feel at having to adjust to all the changes at the moment. It's pure selfishness and I should be happy for Gemma and Nathan making the bold step to go to America. I can't make them stay. I can't keep things the same. It shouldn't be like that anyway. But the sadness is overwhelming and physically painful. A constant ache in my heart and everflowing tears falling down my cheeks. I feel like Beth from Little Women who feels like she's always being left behind. Ross says it's because I never leave. True I guess.

I had my bloods done today - they had to wriggle around a bit and I have a much larger bruise on my arm today and was sick as soon as I walked in through the door. Then I proceeded to have a head rush and landed on the floor - I don't know how long I was there for but I felt incredibly rotten. I keep getting tight feelings in my bump and I'm overwhelmingly stressed and down.

I just feel like I've no control anymore and all these things are happening around me and I have to adapt and change. Hormones aren't helping either.

Well I'm off for a nap - the kitchen is a mess but I just can't face it at the moment. I'm trying to stay calm so I don't end up really stressed and going into early labour.

I haven't felt my baby kick much today though, and I miss him. :(

Laura